The results from the MRI are in. It’s definitely a serious health concern.
The Chiari Malformation, for those just joining us, is where the base of the brain puts pressure on the spinal cord. In discussing the matter with me today my doctor indicated that, if untreated, this could result in me losing the ability to walk, losing control of bladder and bowels, and…well, that’s enough.
So the next step is to see if a neurologist near me will take on my case. My doc seems slightly concerned that the local neurologist or neurosurgeon may refuse seeing me because of the rarity of my condition. If that’s the case I would need to visit a university hospital or possibly a national facility like the Mayo Clinic,
For years now, God has been trying to teach me not to worry so much. I think this time he may have done it. Because when I got off the phone with the doctor I felt like I’d been punched in the gut, and that feeling took a long time to subside. A potentially life-changing or life-threatening condition is certainly something to worry about. The following things, in which I have invested substantial worry over the last 20 years, are not:
-Whether my job was safe
-Why someone from the head office is visiting
-Whether my flight will be delayed
-Whether I’ll get all my work done on time
-Money Concerns
-Not being able to go to work because I’m snowed in
-Technical Issues During Live Remote Broadcasts
There’s about 546 more. And honestly, in the moment those were all genuine concerns. But I dwelled on them. Steeped myself in worry, crumpled physically and mentally into a ball of anxiety, occasionally letting moments of rationality in. (“If I was going to get fired, they wouldn’t bla bla bla.” Or “If the flight is going to be delayed I’d blah blah blah.”) Kind of a “worry/worry/worry/rational thought/worry” pattern.
But the Chiari Malformation–I can’t soak in worry about that, because I might drown. There is no rational thought here–only worries within worries within worries. And surprise surprise, I’m more worried about the financial aspect, and how this will affect my job, then for my actual health. I don’t know why that is but it is.
So I just can’t worry about it. I have to let things happen and live my life, day by day, without this dominating me. It’s getting harder to do that. But the harder it gets, the more important it is to try.
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