My friends and I, you see…we make radio shows for fun. At least we did in the Before Times®. I don’t know how much my friends enjoy it, but they indulge old Wenty every once in a while.
I wrote this at the very beginning of the Covid-19 spread. I think if we had gotten into the studio right away we could have knocked it out, but these little projects don’t work that way. No more than two weeks after I wrote it, it became clear nobody was gonna be able to do this kind of project for a long, long time.
So, I have decided to share the script. Remember, I wrote this before we even remotely knew how bad things were going to get. If you are even slightly offended by things you may want to skip this. If not, a couple notes. “ANNCR” means “Announcer.” “TURKEY GUY” is a voice reminder for Kalin; he did this ridiculous voice in one of our previous internet radio productions and I wrote with it in mind.
IGOR: And now it’s time for Scare On The Air, with Demonic Dr. J and Demented Dangerous Dave!
DOC: Hi everybody! As you’ve no doubt heard, the Corona virus is affecting all aspects of human life. And in line with public health recommendations, Dangerous Dave and I are practicing social distancing.
DAVE: That’s right, Doc. While you’re located in the inner sanctum, I’m several miles away in our usual Dog and Pony studio at Radio City in Alliance.
DANNY: Will you need any kind of special intro for this Dave?
DAVE: Danny O’Donnell? You don’t even announce this show!
DANNY: Anytime somebody books this studio, I get a phone call. I wanna be here to get first crack at the job!
DAVE: I had no idea announcing was such a cutthroat game!
DANNY: Indeed it is! That Mel Freesburg might take you out to lunch but the minute your back is turned he’s barking his way into one of your gigs! Now do I get the job or don’t I?
DAVE: Fine. You can do the closing announce. I’ll write it on a napkin for you.
DOC: Now that that’s settled can we get to tonight’s episode?
DAVE: Of course. For 14 years some of radio’s best thrillers aired on the NBC series “Science Fiction Playhouse”. And in 1949 the show performed a script based on the short story “The Virus”. Of course, the radio show preferred more exciting titles so it was renamed “Attack Of The Death Plague.”
DOC: Watch for then-popular radio comedian Toothy O’Brien as the scientist’s dopey neighbor…and now, from March of 1949, “Attack of The Death Plague!”
ANNCR: Niagara Laboratories presents…Science Fiction Playhouse! Stories adapted from those appearing in each month’s issue of Science Fiction Magazine! Tonight’s program brought to you by Niagara Headache Wax. Suffering from headache pain?
TURKEY GUY: Ohhhhhhhhh………..ohhhhhhhhhh, my head….it hurts so muuuuuuuuuuchhhh!
ANNCR: Niagara Headache Wax is the most pleasant smelling headache candle on the market. Put a stick of Niagara Headache Wax in your favorite candlestick…light the candle…and breath the fumes deeply. After just 90 minutes of deep breathing, your headache will be gone! And you can return to the simple pleasures of modern life!
TURKEY GUY: Pass the turkey June!
ANNCR: Niagara Headache Wax..another fine product of Niagara Laboratories! Use product as directed on package. And now, ladies and gentlemen, the editor of Science Fiction Magazine, Tom Q. Bean!
TOM: Hello friends. The last decade has seen an incredible increase in the ability of modern medicine to cure what ails us. But it’s easy to imagine a time when modern medicine is completely stumped…perhaps it’s the appearance of a quickly spreading virus with no known cause. That very scenario is depicted in Harlan Asbury’s short story which appears in our current issue. Let’s look in on a medical research lab somewhere in the eastern seaboard…about to experience an Attack of the Death Plague!
(SFX: busy office space)
COSWELL: Johnson!
JOHNSON: Yes, Mr. Coswell?
COSWELL: You were supposed to have a write-up on my desk first thing this morning about new treatments for prickly heat!
JOHNSON: I’m sorry Mr. Coswell, but we’ve just received some reports on the teletype..there’s apparently some kind of virus up and running in Australia…
COSWELL: What are the symptoms?
JOHNSON: Lemme see here….uh…sneezing.
COSWELL: And?
JOHNSON: That’s it. Just uncontrollable sneezing.
COSWELL: Not much to go on.
JOHNSON: But sir, think of it–sneezing that won’t stop. For one thing, you’ve got the possibility of choking…dehydration…and once someone has the virus they’re like a petri dish hooked up to a lawn sprinkler!
COSWELL: Good God!
(SFX: intercom)
FRONT DESK: Johnson! Mr. Dullard is on the phone.
JOHNSON: Of all times!
COSWELL: Who’s Mr. Dullard?
JOHNSON: He lives in the apartment across the hall from me. He’s a bit of a dope and he needs my help sometimes. (SFX: phone) Yes Mr. Dullard?
DULL: Mr. Johnson!!! I flushed a half gallon of ice cream down the toilet!
JOHNSON: Well–why on earth did you do that?
DULL: I wanted to see if it would go down the hole!
JOHNSON: Mr. Dullard!
DULL: Listen, I have a question!
JOHNSON: Yes?
DULL: How do I get it back?!?
JOHNSON: Get what back!??
DULL: The ice cream!
JOHNSON: You can’t!
DULL: Why not?!
JOHNSON: Because you–they—it isn’t—Mr. Dullard I’m very busy, I’ll try to stop by your apartment and explain it to you tonight. Goodbye.
COSWELL: What a dimwit!
JOHNSON: He means well. Now listen chief, we need to take some precautionary measures…to try to control this virus here in the states.
TOM: And so…Americans became aware of a new danger…and new methods to deal with it…
(old newsreel music)
OLD TIMEY NEWS GUY: Newsytone News! Dateline New York! Pepper BANNED from all restaurants! You’ll have to put sugar on your eggs now boys!
Dateline–Winston Salem! Snuff has been outlawed! No sneezing for fun anymore!
Dateline Hollywood–Walt Disney announces special edit made to re-release of Seven Dwarfs picture–Sneezy’s been cut!
Dateline–East Orange New Jersey! At a medical research lab, early tests are being made on a potential vaccine for the Sneezing Virus…will it work? Only time will tell!
(music up)
ANNCR: We will return with more of tonight’s story after this word from another fine product of Niagara Laboratories. Everyone wants to be a good host when entertaining in the home. But what happens when you discover your bar is all out of bourbon?
TURKEY GUY: Oaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhh! No bourbon! Ooooaaaaaaooooooooo!
ANNCR: Never fear old chum, because you’ve got a box of Niagara Powdered Bourbon in your kitchen cupboard. Mix one teaspoon of powder to one tumbler of tap water and the party is saved!
TURKEY GUY: Pass the powdered bur–I mean, pass the bourbon June!
ANNCR: Niagara Powdered Bourbon. It can be your little secret…and the secret to a great party.
TOM: When we last left off, Mr. Johnson at the medical research lab was ready to experiment with a new vaccine for the sneezing virus. They were just about to test it when…
(SFX: PHONE)
FRONT DESK: Johnson! Mr. Dullard on Line 1.
JOHNSON: Yes Mr. Dullard?
DULLARD: Help me Mr. Johnson!
JOHNSON: What’s the problem now?
DULLARD: I bought a bag of jawbreakers and I was gonna stick ’em in the oven…
JOHNSON: Why in heavens name!??
DULLARD: Ehrhr….nothin’ better to do.
JOHNSON: Mr. Dullard, I–
DULLARD: But that’s not my question! If I’m gonna put all these jawbreakers in the oven, should I just put ’em in a big pile, or should I line ’em up single file-like?
JOHNSON: Mr. Dullard, I know you’re kind of a dope.
DULLARD: Awww…you’re sweet.
JOHNSON: But I am certain you can find something more valuable to do with those jawbreakers than putting them in the oven!
DULLARD: But what–
JOHNSON: I have to go Mr. Dullard, I’ll talk to you tonight. (phone)
COSWELL: Johnson! The test subject is waiting!
JOHNSON: Very good, bring them in. Okay….the nurse will give you the shot….very good, now I’m going to hold some pepper up to your nose to see if the vaccine is successful. (SFX: Loud, sloppy sneeze) Curses!
COSWELL: I’m beginning to think a vaccine isn’t the answer.
JOHNSON: There’s got to be some alternate method to prevent the spread of the virus…but what?
TOM: Over the next several weeks, the medical team tried method after method to cure those with the virus, and stop it from spreading to those who didn’t yet have it. Ir appeared that a cure may never come. Then…
COSWELL: You’re sure you’ve tried everything!??!
JOHNSON: Everything I know to do, I’ve tried!
COSWELL: Well keep trying!
(phone)
FRONT DESK: Mr. Dullard on 1!
COSWELL: And now this imbecile calls!
JOHNSON: Shhhh….I’ll get rid of him. Hello Mr. Dullard?
DULLARD (SOUNDING VERY NASAL): Mr. Johnson! Hey! Remember those jawbreakers I called you about a few weeks ago? I finally figured out what to do with them!
JOHNSON: Well that’s good…Mr. Dullard, are you feeling all right?
DULLARD: Well, I was sneezing a lot before I used the jawbreakers!
JOHNSON: The sneezing virus! Mr. Dullard, you haven’t come into contact with anyone since you started sneezing have you?
DULLARD: No sir, Mr. Johnson! You know me..I never leave this apartment!
JOHNSON: I wonder how eating jawbreakers cured your sneezing?
DULLARD: Oh, I didn’t eat them Mr. Johnson! I stuck 4 of them jawbreakers up one nose hole and 4 up the nother nose hole!
JOHNSON: That’s….that’s…………..INGENIOUS! Mr. Coswel!! I want you to order 400,000 cases of jaw breakers!
TOM: And so, the simplest of minds led them to the answer. Our story has been Attack of the Death Plague, based on a Harlan Asbury short story appearing in the current issue of Science Fiction Monthly. I’ll be back with a preview of our next program in just a moment.
ANNCR: Niagara Laboratories is proud to sponsor the comedy quiz program “Answer That Darn Question” starring Jackie Shecky, which airs on another network. And now, once again, the editor of Science Fiction Magazine, Tom Q. Bean.
TOM: Next week, is there life on other planets? We’ll go exploring in the spine-chilling adventure “Visitors From Elsewhere.” Good night!
ANNCR: Science Fiction Playhouse is based on articles appearing in Science Fiction Magazine. This is NBC, the National Broadcasting Company.
DOC: A great show with a really goofy ending, and Dave, those who’ve read the actual short story this episode was based on know how truly different they are.
DAVE: Right. In the original short story Mr. Dullard pops up a lot more frequently, in stories and references Mr. Johnson makes. And, the original short story does NOT end with Mr. Johnson celebrating a great discovery.
DOC: In the short story, the medical research lab equips the entire population of East Orange New Jersey with jawbreakers stuffed up their noses….but eventually everybody starts sneezing again, causing hundreds of injuries and thousands of dollars in broken windows from high-powered jaw breaker blasts.
DAVE: The show’s sponsor found that ending distasteful, and in those days sponsors had complete creative control.
DANNY: Isn’t it about time for me to do my closing announce? The early bird special at the diner ends in 45 minutes.
DAVE: For Dr. J this is Dangerous Dave saying thanks for listening and…
BOTH: Goodnight everybody!
DANNY: Scare On The Air is a Doctor J Production in association with Dave Kuskie Enterprises. Tonight’s cast featured Kalin Krohe. This is Danny O’Donnell speaking, this program was pre-recorded.