Listen to this before you read!!!!!
ANNCR: And now, tonight’s story. “Eleven Oxen For Brother Kalin”, starring David Kuskie, Mike Glesinger, and Pat Adriance. Also Starring Jason Wentworth as the Banker and Kalin Krohe as Brother Kalin.
LORNE: Good evening. This is Lorne Greene. In February of 2021, David Kuskie and his friend Jason Wentworth played the classic 80’s computer game “The Oregon Trail”. As players have done for decades, the boys named the members of their traveling party after friends. Jason and Dave finished the game successfully, arriving in Oregon, but not before shocking hardships affected them. Little did they know that the challenges they faced were nearly identical to those faced by a group of four men and one small boy in 1856.
(SFX: fade in western music)
LORNE: The party of five consisted of David Sutherland, a daguerrotype artist who looked forward to capturing the beauty of the trail.
DAVE: Okay guys, smile! Great, now hold that pose for 47 minutes.
LORNE: Michael O’ Shaunglessy, a burly factory worker.
GLES: Hey everybody, look! I’m giving this ox a piggyback ride!
LORNE: Patrick Olson, a schoolteacher looking to get a fresh start.
PAT: You hand out number one pencils just one time….
LORNE: Wentworth Johnson, a local banker who procured funds for the trip in exchange for passage.
WENTY: Okay, you’ve all signed this pact! You’ve got your money, and I do no physical labor! Understood?
OTHERS: Yeah, yeah…
LORNE: Oh, and there’s one more passenger on this trip westward…as the group of five leave Independence Missouri, let’s listen to the story of six year old…Brother Kalin.
DAVE: Where’s the boy?
GLES: He’s in the back sleeping…getting everything packed and ready tuckered him out.
PAT: What is the lad doing on this trip anyway? Our 5th was supposed to be a saloon tender.
GLES: Yes, yes, well…I knew his parents…they both died tragically in a walking accident just a week or two back.
PAT: When will people learn not to walk so fast?
DAVE: I blame newspapers. Leads to distracted walking.
GLES: I was Kalin’s godfather.
DAVE: And now…will you adopt the boy when we reach Oregon?
GLES: We’ll see. For now I call him “Brother Kalin” and he calls me “Brother Mike.”
(SFX: spirited western music)
LORNE: On each stop of the trail, the boys would meet new people, replenish their supplies and tend to the inevitable health problems that plagued those who made the trip. Soda Springs…
GLES: Okay, I think I’ve got this wagon wheel repaired and replaced.
PAT: Good for you.
GLES: You know, this is usually a two-man job.
DAVE: I’m in the middle of taking a daguerrotype of a muddy lake.
PAT: I’m teaching the boy basic math.
KALIN: 2 plus 2 is 4!
WENTY: No physical labor!
GLES: Yeah, yeah…
LORNE: Courthouse Rock…
GLES: You know, when I lifted the entire wagon back there a few miles ago I think I might have broken my arm.
WENTY: There’s a splint in the back of the wagon.
GLES: Okay, I–(SFX: FOOT HITS ROCK, GLES GOES DOWN) Ohhhhhwwwwww my leg! Yep…it’s broken.
WENTY: Well, at least the broken arm and broken leg aren’t on the same side.
LORNE: Fort Laramie…
KALIN: Brother Mike!
GLES: Yeah buddy?
KALIN: My poop is mad at me!
DAVE: Sounds like cholera. Better get him in the back of the wagon to keep any of the rest of us from getting it.
PAT: We’ve been sharing the same pudding spoon for 18 days!
WENTY: I brought my own pudding spoon. Solid gold, thank you very much!
PAT: Is that club yours as well?
WENTY: Absolutely, never can be too careful with natives running about.
PAT: Can I see it?
WENTY: Certainly.
PAT: Thanks. (SFX: PONK of club)
WENTY: Owwwwwwwwwwwww my leg! I think it’s broken!
LORNE: By the time the group reached Three Island Crossing, morale, health and supplies were dwindling fast. Pat was teaching young Kalin his spelling lesson when he noticed something alarming.
PAT: Very good Kalin. Next word is “wheel”.
KALIN: “Wheel”. W–(cough)-H-E-E-(hack)-L. We’re very close to Oregon aren’t we Mr. Olson?
PAT: Yes Kalin.
KALIN: I can’t wait until we get a nice homestead where me and brother Mike and the oxen can run around and sit in the (HACK) sun and (WHEEZE)…
PAT: Settle down now. You’re getting all worked up. Spell “animal”.
KALIN: Animal A-N-(cough)-I-M-A-(hack)-L. I hope there’s room for all eleven of the oxen when we get there. I want Jebediah, and Eukariah, and Andrew, and Willard–
PAT: Who are they?
KALIN: They’re the oxen! I (HACK HACK COUGH WHEEZE) named them!
PAT: All right, we’re done studying for today. Now, you need to rest your voice…just sit back and try to take a nap.
KALIN: But I’m (yawn) not tired!
PAT: Just close your eyes and think of that big homestead in Oregon.
LORNE: Once little Kalin drifts off to dreamland, the schoolteacher heads for the front of the wagon.
PAT: I don’t mean to scare anybody…but that little boy has typhoid.
WENTY: Typhoid!?
GLES: Oh no!
DAVE: He just got over cholera AND dysentery!
WENTY: The kid’s a human petri dish!
GLES: Mind your tongue banker!
WENTY: Forget you not who paid for this journey?!
GLES: AHhhhhhhhhhhhh….look, what’re we gonna do about Kalin?
DAVE: I’m the leader of this group and I’ll make the decisions! First, we’re going to stay here tonight. Possibly longer. Schoolteacher, I need you to unpack everything and set up camp.
PAT: Yes sir.
DAVE: Second, banker, there’s a doctor’s office and apothecary here in town. Take brother Kalin there and get him tended to.
WENTY: Will do.
GLES: Can’t I go with Kalin?
DAVE: I need you to come with me. We are almost entirely out of food. And we have $63 left.
GLES: Wait..did you pay back that banker the three dollars you borrowed from him back in Fort Kearney?
DAVE: No. Okay, so we only have 60 dollars left.
GLES: That seems more appropriate somehow.
DAVE: The money doesn’t matter, we’ve got a huge stock of ammunition and you and I are going to go hunting. It’s our only hope to keep the group fed once we start up again.
ANNCR: Sears Radio Theatre will return after this word from your local station.
ANNCR: And now, Act 2 of “Eleven Oxen For Brother Kalin.”
LORNE: After a long and busy day, our wagon party reunites around a roaring fire.
(SFX: crickets, roaring fire)
GLES: Want another bear leg brother Kalin?
KALIN: No thanks Brother Mike, I’m full!
GLES: You should be! You had two bear legs, a rabbit foot, some venison hash and a licorice stick!
KALIN: The doctor gave me a licorice stick ’cause I was a brave boy!
PAT: Just think…earlier today you were nearly brought down by typhoid.
WENTY: Actually, the doctor said it was just a sinus infection.
DAVE: Well, Mike and I were able to stuff the wagon with meat…our meals will be plentiful from here to Oregon.
GLES: Hey Kalin! Why don’t you go get your pine box guitar from the back of the wagon and play us a song!
KALIN: I can do it! (SFX: FOOTSTEPS ON SAND)
PAT: Mike, you know he expects you to keep all eleven of these oxen when we get there right?
GLES: Ohhhhhhhh….well, I told him that because he was nervous about the trip and I thought that would help him look forward to it.
DAVE: Yeah, but what about when we get to Oregon? We all agreed beforehand that we’d sell the oxen and divide the proceeds!
GLES: Well…I mean, the farmland in Oregon is free so we’d have no problem finding room for them all. I just hate to break his little heart.
PAT: You can have my share of the oxen.
DAVE: Mine too.
(Looooooooong pause.)
PAT AND DAVE: Wentworth!
WENTY: I was gonna say yes, I just had a mouth fulla pudding is all!
KALIN: I found my guitar! (SFX: A very basic, picked-out version of “Oh! Sussanna”)
LORNE: And as Kalin played Oh Sussanna five times, it being the only song he knew, and one of only fourteen songs in existence at the time, the wagoners prepared to bunk down for the night. In a matter of minutes, they were all sound asleep.
(SFX: snores, rumbles)
LORNE: Then…late in the night…two hard-edged men approached the campsite. Harris was stealthy…careful…every move carefully considered. His partner in crime was a lumbering bumbling fool, known best for his willingness to trade virtually anything in his wagon for cheap junk jewelry…this was why all who knew him called him…(dramatic pause).…Ringo.
HARRIS: Ain’t there nothin’ you can do ta shut up them rings?
RINGO: You’re just jealous!
HARRIS: Gents are only supposed to wear rings when they’re betrothed anyway!
RINGO: Can I help it if none of these gals appreciate a natural beauty?
HARRIS: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH! Now look Ringo, you know the plan right?
RINGO: Uh sure, boss, you unhitch all 11 of the oxys, hitch em to our wagon, an’ while youse is doin’ that I’ll check their wagon for junk jewelry!
HARRIS: No! And keep your voice down! I can’t steal 11 oxen by myself, you’re gonna have to help me….now be quiet!
RINGO: I hope these are nice oxys.
HARRIS: They’re fine. Okay, now as I hand the reins to you, hitch each ox to our wagon….but be careful about and don’t make a sound! Arright, here’s the first one.
RINGO: Okay. UH-HUHUHUHUHHUHHUHUH!!!!!!
HARRIS: (whispered) SHUT UP!
RINGO: He licked me in the face he did!
HARRIS: First time your face has been washed since the Missouri Compromise! Arright, here comes the next one…
LORNE: As hard as it is to believe, all five of our heroes slept soundly through the entire oxen robbery. The next morning, hopes were dashed.
DAVE: I know this looks bad.
PAT: It looks hopeless!
GLES: There’s always hope! And be quiet, you’ll wake up Brother Kalin! I have no idea how to tell him the oxen are gone.
WENTY: Don’t look now but here’s the time…
KALIN: Brother Mike? What happened to the oxen?
GLES: Well…some bad people came while we were asleep and took them.
KALIN: Ohhh….they must have needed them more than we did, eh Brother Mike?
GLES: Well…possibly.
KALIN: It’s like you told me…God and the angels needed Mama and Papa up in heaven…so they sent you to take care of me…they musta sent our oxen to take care of those other people huh?
DAVE: Darn this dry air.
GLES: Anybody got a handkerchief?
PAT: This is a very emotional moment.
WENTY: Darn right it is! When they took the oxen they also got away with my solid gold pudding spoon!
ALL OTHERS: Shut up!
DAVE: Mike…I want you to go hunting to keep up our food supply. I’m going to go into town to see if I can trade something for an ox.
(SFX: frontier music)
LORNE: By some kind of miracle, Dave found a party willing to trade one of their oxen for some of Dave’s food supply. And Mike O’Shaunglessy shot five bears. So, with their one ox, the group of five made the final one hundred miles to Oregon. Upon arrival, schoolteacher Patrick Olson began a new job as 4th grade teacher…
PAT: Okay, children…let me hand out you–NUMBER THREE pencils?! Consarn it!
LORNE: David opened up a studio to take daguerrotypes of all varieties.
DAVE: Okay, Mom, hold up the baby….face to the camera please, thank you…Dad, finger out of nose please, okay smile! Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaand hold it for 47 minutes.
LORNE: Banker Wentworth Johnson took a job as President of the 1st National Bank of Oregon City. His former employer in Independence Missouri, upon realizing the till was several hundred dollars light, sent an armed guard to arrest him. However, the guard perished on the Oregon Trail from consecutive incidences of cholera, dysentery, typhoid, ox theft and frostbite.
And what of Michael O’Shaughnglessy? He adopted young Kalin, and established a large range in Oregon City, eventually acquiring three oxen that Kalin named Wynken, Blinken and Nod.
(SFX; music sting)
ANNCR: Join us tomorrow when Andy Griffith hosts “Frisked At Grand Central Station”! Tonight’s cast featured David Kuskie, Mike Glesinger, and Pat Adriance. Also starring Jason Wentworth and Kalin Krohe. The crooks were played by Daws Butler and Herb Vigran. This is Art Gilmore speaking!