My friend Pat is having an awful lot of fun with Meta AI or some similar app. You enter what you want it to show you, and bingo! there it is. Here is what Pat wanted me to see today:
The fellow on the right is Dick Van Dyke. I know this because Pat concocted several horrifying versions of Dick Van Dyke in various cases of decay before showing me this one.
So! Let’s pretend. It’s 1992. Dick Van Dyke and Big Bird (BB) are both staying at the Four Seasons Hotel in Los Angeles. Dick Van Dyke is staying there because his house is being fumigated. Big Bird is there for the PBS quarterly programming conference. As our story opens Dick (tagged from here forward as DVD) is having a soak in the hotel hot tub.
BB: Mr. Van Dyke!
DVD: Big Bird! Oh my gosh! What brings you all the way out west here?
BB: Well, Mr. Van Dyke, you see–
DVD: Hey….Big Bird, you don’t have to call me Mr. Van Dyke…you can call me Dick.
BB: Gee thanks, Mr.–I mean DIck! Hey, do you mind if I join you in the hot tub?
DVD: Plenty of room! Well….sort of.
BB: Boy, that water is hot!
DVD: Well, you know Bird, that’s why they call it a hot tub.
BB: I wondered! Dick, did you know that you have three names? And two of them start with D?
DVD: Yes I did, Bird. And did you know that YOUR name is two words that start with B?
BB: Wow! I never thought of that! You’re a very smart man Dick!
DVD: Oh no….Carl Reiner…now there’s a smart man! So I was gonna ask ya, what made you come all the way out here?
BB: Well, I’m here to shake wings with all the PBS Programming people!
DVD: How interesting! Are they a nice bunch?
BB: Some of them are. There’s this one nice lady named Irene from Rochester, New York. Whenever she comes to my street for a convention she brings me a bag of bird seed!
DVD: How nice!
BB: Listen, Mr. Van Dyke–
DVD: Hey! I thought we were friends now!
BB: Oh we are! But…I wanna talk business with you.
DVD: Bird business?
BB: No! Show business!
DVD: Ah.
BB: I’ve been watching your television show, “Diagnosis Murder”.
DVD: I’m surprised to hear that…it isn’t something I’d expect you to watch.
BB: Well I do! Every week! And ….well…I’d like to be on the show!
DVD: You mean a–a-guest role?
BB: Yes! You see Dick, I’ve been acting on Sesame Street for 23 years! And after all that time in childrens telelvison I’d like to–
DVD: Spread your wings?
BB: Was that a joke Dick?
DVD: Sort of one. Listen, I don’t know how many….uh…bird parts pop up for a show like “Diagnosis Murder”.
BB: But DIck…birds get sick! I could be a sick bird!
DVD: Gosh, bird, I just…
BB: I’ve worked with Bob Hope!
DVD: Well, for one thing, I don’t think you would fit in any of the sick beds on our soundstage.
BB: Aw….gee.
DVD: Doggone it…wait a minute! Now–I might have to sweet talk Fred Silverman on this, But I think we could get you a cameo as a seagull with a thyroid condition.
BB: Oh boy!
DVD: But now look, Big Bird…I do want a little something in return.
BB: What’s that, Dick?
DVD: Tell me the truth…are Bert and Ernie…..
BB: Best friends? Yes sir!
DVD: Ah. What about Miss Piggy and Kermit?
BB: Kermit’s very nice. I was a guest star in his television show. And he gave me a part in his movie. Miss Piggy is….well, my Mama Bird always said if you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything.
DVD: My Mama Bird said that too–uh, I mean my Mama–my mom.
BOB ROSS: Well well. Two icons sharing a tub…Big Bird and Mr. Dick Van Dyke.
BB: Are you the man who paints pictures on television?
DVD: I’m guessing he is, since he’s carrying a pallete, brushes and paints.
BB: Would you like to soak in the tub with us Mr. Ross?
BOB: No…no, I do believe I’ll just dangle my toes in the water and paint something. Look at all those happy little public television employees. It’s okay if some of them are wearing red name tags and some wearing blue…that’s entirely up to your feelings….I’m going to add some pretty blues at the base of the swimming pool…. (BOB CONTINUES NARRATING HIS PAINTING)
DVD: Hey Big Bird, shall we hit the juice bar for a smoothie?
BB: I don’t think I can fit in the juice bar.
DVD: That’s okay…just find a comfy deck chair and I’ll bring it to you.