Dear Facebook Commenters, Don’t Take This The Wrong Way But You Suck And Should Jump Off The Overpass

Hey! Our hometown is getting a Runza! Isn’t that great? What’s a Runza, you ask? It’s a delightful Nebraska restaurant chain with amazing burgers, chicken, fries, onion rings, desserts and Runzas, which some call cabbage burgers. I’m not crazy about cabbage burgers but I like literally everything else you can get at Runza. The Facebook post that announced this news filled me with giddy anticipation, visions of cheeseburgers and crispy golden krinkle-cut fries dancing in my head.

Then I started reading the comments.

I honestly think if Facebook was around when Jonas Salk invented the polio vaccine, it would look something like this:

Jonas Salk Great news! After years of effort I have developed a vaccine that will rid children the world over of the dread disease polio!
JerkAss McDingleberry Took you long enough!
Whiny Fraughsliger What we really need is a cure for the common cold! Where’s your solution there genius?
Methusula O’Shanter You ask me, we’re pampering these kids! I limped all the way to school, uphill, both ways!
Judith Carpetbagger Right…like this isn’t some scam to get Eisenhower re-elected….
Jonas Salk I think I’m going to inject myself with arsenic.

Seriously, just once….just once in the everloving god damn universe could the Debbie Downers just punt the football and give those of us who want to be happy about things an open skate?

All the usual categories crawled out of their bunkers at the Runza news:

“I wish this had been a (different kind of store, different restaurant, etc.)” I can almost, in my heart of hearts, understand people waxing dreamily about their favorite chain restaurant. Almost. But hey! We’re getting a new one! Anything new is good. Say it with me (picture me grabbing these people by the mouth a la Phil Silvers): ANYTHING NEW IS GOOD. The one that totally floors me is the “This should have been a (dress shop/sex toy parlor/big and tall mens hat store/hippie-dippie tobbaconist))!” As if a new chain restaurant opening up crushes the dreams of everyone who ever wanted to open any other kind of business. It’s a complete and utter lack of logic.

Then you have the multitude of Negative Nellys (I have a friend named Nelly and he’s one of the least negative people I know. Irony!) These are your “It’s going to suck”/”It won’t happen”/”Watch them close it down” and on and on and on. My friend tells me I let negativity turn the tide of my life sometimes…and as much as I find it distasteful to say this, he’s right. It’s called a self-fulfilling prophecy. When you keep saying things are bad, or won’t go your way, or the like, you are quite legitimately building the foundation of your own failure. I’ve had great success in life but when I’ve failed, I’ve helped myself cross that finish line with negative thinking.

So, with that in mind, I say pooh-pooh to the grumps who invent reasons to be unhappy out of whole cloth. We’re getting a Runza! That makes me happy!