The French Fry Manifesto

I’m a picky eater.

I never used to think I was overly picky, but the number of times I have said “That’s gross” to Kalin Krohe over a meal in the last six years is the smoking gun of my pickyness (pickosity?). It’s also a testament to some of the wholly disgusting things Kalin does to food. Ranch dressing on an omlet, ketchup on a chicken sandwich–hachi machi.

The truth is, I could probably have a Dairy Queen cheeseburger, french fries and an Orange Julius for lunch 60 days in a row and never feel like I was missing out on anything. French fries are probably my favorite food, but (surprise) I am rather exacting on what makes a good french fry experience.

Let’s examine what I believe french fries should be, and what makes so many of them a crushing disappointment. (These are wildly unpopular opinions, but that’s okay. On “yourlastnameworld.com” you can make a post on how wrong I am.

The Good:

The best french fries I have ever had bear the following similarities:

–Sheer, glorious simplicity. Just french fried potatoes, no shenanigans.

-They are served so hot you can barely touch them. But the waiting is torture!

-They are best served with generous amounts of salt (table salt, not sea salt or rock salt or seasoned salt or any of that bulldink) and Heinz® Tomato Ketchup.

The most likely varities to satisfy these demands are shoestring (McDonald’s, but sweet Jesus they’ve got to be fresh and salty), crinkle cut (our Alliance Dairy Queen, Runza) and maaaaybe steak fries (okay if done right but can frequently be mushy).

The Bad:

There’s a whole category of rotten fries which I will call, with no political commentary intended, Trump Fries. Just as no human being has orange-colored-skin, no potato is orange. Fries should be yellowish, just slightly darker than the inside of a potato. I suppose people like these fries because they are very crunchy (fried somewhere between 8 and 9 times) or because they have some kind of spicy rub, or because they are “beer-battered”. None of these things appeal to me. Or maybe they have bits of skin still on them. Nope, no sale. Or maybe–let’s just stop. If a french fry looks like this, I know I’m not gonna like it.

Also in the bad category: Any french fry that is not served hot. It’s a non-starter.

The Ugly

Here we present things that people try to convince themselves or others are french fries.

Example: Oven-baked potato wedges. If I can’t have legitimate french fries, just give me a salad. These are despicable frauds.

Also not french fries: Those enormous plates of “twister potatoes” sold at carnivals and festivals. They’re hot potato chips, yet people swoon over them like they’re something more impressive than hot potato chips. Get over yourselves!

Finally: I have never had sweet potato fries. And I never will. I know in my heart of hearts that they suck. Some things you don’t need to try.