Last year I decided to create a full-length radio thriller for our KCOW Halloween Special. Typically we just do little vignettes that air in-between vintage radio programs like “War Of The Worlds” and “Sorry Wrong Number.” That’s what we did this year. But in 2018 I decided to do something a little more elaborate.
I love the old Don Knotts movie “The Ghost and Mr. Chicken”, and I thought that would be a good template for a Bob S. Bestos adventure. From the movie I used the basic plot of a “murder house” and specific elements from the haunted house like the portrait on the wall and the pipe organ with bloodstained keys. I also wanted to include certain lines and running gags from the movie just to cement our source material.
In our story Bob wants more airtime on KCOW, and Wenty suggests that if Bob and his pet pig Hot Dog spend the night in the “murder house” and prove all the rumors false, they could break the story on the air. So Bob, Hot Dog and Wenty camp out in the old mansion.
Since we were aiming for 30 minutes or less we had to really crunch down the plot and the cast. We go from the night in the haunted house directly to a finale that incorporates several scenes from the movie and, in our own goofy way, wraps up all the loose ends.
When I do a project like this I try to get “civilians” (people who don’t work at KCOW) to be in our cast. Our narrator, Tyler Smith, is a musician and record collector I met through Herr Kroheim. The ladies who tip Kalin off to the “murder house” in our opening scene are Cathe McCaffrey and Amy Boots, loyal KCOW listeners. They did a stellar job!
From our KCOW gang Mike Glesinger and Kalin Krohe played important roles. I wrote a part for Kalin despite the obvious challenges of him and Bob S. Bestos working together. (They don’t get along.) As always, the easiest cast member to work with was Hot Dog.
Below is my original script and a link to the show on SoundCloud. If you were to listen to the show while following the script you would note that we ad lib around the printed word quite a bit, especially Bob. Since this is my original draft, it doesn’t contain some additional narration I wrote later on to better set up the finale. You will also note that I sometimes write actual dialogue for Hot Dog, and sometimes write emotional cues. Hot Dog is such a seasoned actor that I feel confident letting him improvise.
I am really proud of how this thing turned out. In the scenes inside the haunted house there’s some “bleed-through” which irritates me to no end. But otherwise it’s about as good as I get production-wise. (Two quick notes: The moaning is me. Hot Dog’s gas attacks are done by stunt-gassman Kalin Krohe.)
ANNCR: KCOW Halloween Theater proudly presents…”The Ghost and Mr. Bestos”! Starring Bob S. Bestos! Also Starring Hot Dog, The Wonder Pig! Oh, and Wenty’s in it too.
JASON: Wait a minute?! What kind of lousy billing is that? “Wenty’s in it too?” Why didn’t I get a starring credit?
BOB: You’re a lousy negotiator, Wentgripe!
JASON: Oh? Well…who negotiated your contract?
HOT DOG: I did!
JASON: Aww..Hot Dog! Who’s a good negotiator? Who’s my favorite pig? You are!
ANNCR: Listen, you knuckleheads, as the Narrator I’m supposed to keep the story moving…so shut your traps until it’s time for your scene!
JASON: Okay! Jeez…what a prima donna…
HOT DOG (agrees)…
ANNCR: It all began at a neighborhood diner where KCOW News Director Kalin Krohe–
BOB: He smells like eggs!
ANNCR: Zip it! Kalin Krohe was hearing a piece of gossip from two loyal KCOW listeners…
(fade in diner SFX)
KALIN: Come on ladies…you can’t be serious!
AMY: I’ve been hearing stories about the ghost house since I was a girl!
CATHE: Kalin, my darling, some stories just need to be investigated!
KALIN: But honestly…a haunted house?
AMY: Not just a haunted house–a MURDER house! (MUSIC STING)
CATHE: Old Agnes Weatherbee, rest her soul…killed by a jealous husband. If Mr. Weatherbee had stopped playing that pipe organ of his in the attic and spent more time with his wife, the whole thing never would have happened. Such a scene at that house…they tried to clean up all the blood but to no avail.
AMY: They even used Bon Ami!
CATHE: Strange noises have been coming from that house lately…organ music plays every night at Midnight!
KALIN: But weren’t you telling me that nobody lives in the house?
AMY: It’s been empty for years!
CATHE: So you tell me, Mr. Newsman…if it’s an empty house…where is the music coming from?
KALIN: Well…(gulp)..uh.. I suppose I could go out there and take a look…
CATHE: I’ll be listening for your report..just remember everything I taught you!
KALIN: Of course Mrs. McCaffrey…
AMY: Good luck Kalin! You’ll need it!
ANNCR: That night, Kalin drove out to the site of the old Weatherbee house..accompanied by a co-worker..
KALIN: Well…we’re almost there, Gles.
GLES: I still don’t understand why you dragged me along…this is just a silly old story, there’s no such thing as haunted houses!
KALIN: I promised some people I’d at least check it out…
GLES: Okay, but why so late? 11:55pm is way past my (yaaaaaaaawnnn) bedtime.
KALIN: You can sleep through “Open Mic” tomorrow! (SFX: car stops) Okay. We’re here. (SFX: car door opens)
GLES: Just what do you expect to find in this rundown old house?
KALIN: Well…lots of dust and …ah..cobwebs..and…ah…maybe some blood?
GLES: Blood?
KALIN: WHERE??!?!?
GLES: Settle down! Don’t be so jumpy! (pause) So what’s the plan? We going inside the house tonight or not?
KALIN: Uh….sure…let’s uh..walk up to the door…
(SFX: walking on sidewalk…creepy organ music fades in along with ghostly moaning)
KALIN: Uh–do you hear…
GLES: Horrifying moans?
KALIN: Actually I was gonna ask about the super-creepy organ music.
GLES: Yep.. hear that too.
KALIN: Are you as terrified as I am right now?
GLES: Pretty darn close.
KALIN: Then let’s get out of here!
BOTH: Yiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiikes! (SFX: car doors close, car starts, speeds away)
ANNCR: The next morning, Kalin told Wenty about his scary encounter…
KALIN: The moans were definitely from a ghost…I’m certain of it.
JASON: How can you be certain of anything? You guys didn’t go into the house!
KALIN: We didn’t have to! We heard the moaning AND the organ at Midnight exactly.
JASON: That means nothing. Seeing is believing! And there’s nothing to see in that house anyway because there’s no such thing as ghosts. You heard some scary movie from the neighbor’s TV set or the wind through the trees or something.
KALIN: When are you gonna learn that there’s more to this world than just what you see in front of you?
(BUZZ)
JASON: Better pick up my intercom. Yeah, this is Wenty?
HOT DOG ON INTERCOM: Come downstairs!
JASON: Oh, hi, Hot Dog, is it lunchtime already?
HOT DOG ON INTERCOM: Yes!
JASON: Okay, be down in a second!
KALIN: Bob taught the pig to use the intercom?!
JASON: No…Hot Dog taught himself. I wish he would teach Bob too. Hey, wanna come down for lunch?
KALIN: With Basement Von Stinkypants and his pig? No thanks.
ANNCR: While having lunch with Bob and Hot Dog Wenty told them about the ghost house.
JASON: Well, Gles and Kalin say they heard ghosts and stuff…it’s absolutely ridiculous.
BOB: Hey Wenty, Hot Dog and I want to have a talk with you. We wanna be on the radio more!
JASON: Bob, you’re already on my show every Friday morning!
BOB: But isn’t there something else I could do? I have a beauty-ful voice!
JASON: And a face made for radio….look Bob, Kalin does the news, Gles does the sports, I do the morning show. We don’t need anybody else.
BOB: Hot Dog and I could be the KCOW Make-Fun-Of-Kalin Director!
JASON: There’s…not really a need for that.
BOB: I disagree! (HOT DOG squeals) So does Hot Dog!
JASON: Shh shh shh…Kalin’s talking about that stupid haunted house again…listen through the crack in the floorboard!
KALIN: I’m telling you, all the money in the world couldn’t get me to go inside that murder house! It’s too gruesome to even think about.
JASON: You know fellas…I think I just figured out a way for you to be radio superstars. You and Hot Dog bring a tape recorder to that old mansion tonight…spend all night inside the house…record what you see! Then we could do a big news expose about how all the rumors of what happened in there are nonsense!
BOB: That’s a great idea Wentgenius! You, me and Hot Dog will stay at the murder house tonight!
JASON: Wait, wait, hold, time out! How did I get roped in on this?!?!?
BOB: Because we need someone to run the tape recorder!
JASON: But I don’t wanna stay–
BOB: Are you scaaaaaaaaaaaaared Wentwuss? (HOT DOG teases with Bob)
JASON: No! I’m not scared! But if Hot Dog can operate an intercom, why can’t he operate the tape recorder?
HOT DOG: Angry squeaks
JASON: Okay! Okay! I’ll come along..and I promise you guys…nothin’s gonna happen! Really! I–I’m pretty sure..
ANNCR: That night, Wenty, Bob and Hot Dog arrived at the old Weatherbee mansion with a cooler of snacks, 2 sleeping bags and a nice warm blanket for Hot Dog.
JASON: Check…one two three…uh…okay, this is Wenty and I’m here with Bob and Hot Dog. It’s 9:36pm. We’re at the front door of Alliance’s so-called murder house. We’re going to spend the night here to expose the truth….(SFX: car speeds by as BOB, WENTY and HOT DOG yelp in terror) It’s just a car guys! Just a car going by! (SFX: HOT DOG whines) Listen guys, if we can’t even make it past the front door without chickening out, this whole thing is hopeless.
BOB: Okay Hot Dog, it’s time to be brave. Are you ready?
HOT DOG: (confident brave squeaks)
BOB: Okay Wenty…open the door.
JASON: Here goes nothing. (SFX: squeeeeeeeaky door opening)
BOB: We need to get a good squeaky door like that for the basement eh Hot Dog? (HOT DOG squeals approval)
JASON: You can probably just rip that one off the hinges. Well, we are now inside the parlor of the house. There a nice couch and chairs..a huge bookcase..
BOB: I wonder if they have any good comic books in here!
JASON: I’m guessing not…ooh, hey, look over there! A huge portrait of the late Mrs. Weatherbee…she was a beauty in her day..such expressive eyes.
BOB: I like how the eyes move back and forth.
JASON: Yeah, well, paintings from this era tend to–MOVE BACK AND FORTH?!??
BOB: Watch, see? When I walk over this way, the eyes follow me.
JASON: No no no no, I’m not seeing that–moving eyes on a portrait, that’s something out of an old Abbott and Costello movie! I’m not getting suckered in to your ghost fantasies Bestos!
(SFX: SHUTTERS SLAM AGAINST WINDOWS, CREAKING OF HOUSE)
BOB: What about those noises, Wenty? Are those real?
JASON: Yeah…they are…but not ghosts! Just weird old house noises…
HOT DOG: braaaaaaaaaapppppppp
JASON: Hot Dog!
BOB: Not all the weird noises come from the house!
(HOT DOG laughs)
JASON: I wish I’d packed an air freshener. I’m gonna turn the tape recorder off now…save some batteries…
(music pad up and out)
ANNCR: Later that night..
JASON: It’s uh..Wenty…it’s a couple of minutes before Midnight. Bob and Hot Dog fell asleep a couple hours ago…but I’m still awake. Kalin and Gles said it was just about Midnight was when the creepy music and moaning started, so I’m taping this to prove that nothing happens here at Midnight…Wish I could get to sleep…maybe one of these books will help. Ooh…this looks like an original copy of The Legend of Sleepy Hollow. I’d better be careful pulling this out of the shelf (SFX: shelf rolls out) Oh! Jeezy! Uh…okay…the bookshelf rolled back to reveal a staircase…which I suppose I could walk up if I thought there was anything going on up there….(SFX: ORGAN MUSIC, MOANING) Ah-hah-huh….soooo that is organ music…and uh…moaning…just like Kalin and Gles said. Well, there’s a sensible explanation for everything! I’m gonna explore this house till I figure out what’s going on. And I’ll start with this staircase (SFX: STEPS, HOWLING AND ORGAN GET LOUDER) Would it be silly of me to say I’m scared? Cause..uh…I am…okay…made it to the top of the stairs…this must be some kind of hidden room! Something is behind this door… (sfx: door opens) Aaaaaaand it’s a pipe organ…playing by itself…..with (gulp) blood stains on the keys….so…uh…yeah…not sure what more there is to say….
(silence for a moment, then)
BOB: Wenty?
JASON: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
BOB: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
HOT DOG: Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!
JASON: Bob, what are you doing up here?!
BOB: We heard you walking up the stairs and followed you!
JASON: Well, go downstairs…this is a pretty scary sight up here!
HOT DOG: crying
JASON: Oh…Hot Dog…it’s okay buddy…come on, let’s go downstairs and regroup. (sfx: walking downstairs).
BOB: Where did the staircase come from, Wentpassage?
JASON: I went to grab a copy of Icabod Crane ….the bookshelf slid away and there it was.
BOB: Did you see any comic books?
JASON: No! Okay, here we are back in the parlor…go ahead and try to get back to sleep guys…we uh….wait a minute. That giant portrait of the late Mrs. Weatherbee…did it have a knife sticking out of her neck when we first came in?
HOT DOG: (scared grumble)
JASON: I didn’t think so.
BOB: I like how the eyes still follow us around…and is that blood dripping from the knife?
JASON: (terrified): It is.
HOT DOG: (scared grumble)
JASON: There’s an explanation for all of this!
BOB: Sure there is…Mrs. Weatherbee’s ghost is here to kick us in our scaredy pants!
JASON: No such thing as ghosts! All this can be explained. This tape machine was recording everything…maybe we should play back the tape and–Oh no! The low battery light is on! This thing is gonna stop any second! Bob, didn’t I tell you to get fresh batteries>
BOB: I did! I got ’em right from an old box in my basement!
JASON: You mean the box marked “DEAD BATTERIES”?
BOB: That’s the one! I figured the ghosts would be more comfortable with dead batteries than live ones.
HOT DOG: You dimwit!
JASON: Bob…your mental capacity stupifies me.
BOB: Thank you!
JASON & HOT DOG: Not a compliment!
(MUSIC UP AND OUT)
ANNCR: The next morning, Wenty, Bob and Hot Dog held a press conference in front of the KCOW Studios.
(sfx: large crowd)
JASON: So, for the last ten minutes, you’ve heard the actual recording Mr. Bestos, Master Hot Dog and I made last night INSIDE the so-called murder house. I kept the tape rolling as long as possible even in the face of absolute terror.
BACKGROUND GUY: Attaboy Wenty!
JASON: Now nobody is a greater skeptic about this sort of thing than I am…but the evidence of some kind of otherwordly presence kept mounting.
BOB: I saw the ghosty stuff first…like the eyes on Mrs. Weatherbee’s portrait following us back and forth, back and forth!
BACKGROUND GUY: Attaboy Bob!
JASON: Later we saw a bloody knife sticking out of that portrait, not to mention the blood-stained keys on the organ which played at Midnight along with eerie moaning we could never track down…by 2am this morning we could only come to one conclusion.
BOB: It was a g-g-g-g-g-g-gghoooooooooooooooooost! (HOT DOG makes wild noises)
JASON: Well…momentarily we thought that. But then Bob wandered into the kitchen.
BOB: After being scared silly I was hungry! So I got some chicken wings and a bottle of ranch dressing. They were good chicken wings weren’t they Hot Dog?
HOT DOG: braaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaap
BACKGROUND GUY: Attaboy Hot Dog!
JASON: Oh good grief! Get some Beano for your pig will you please? Anyway…the point is, we brought chicken wings in our cooler but we DIDN’T bring any ranch dressing.
BOB: And there was all kinds of other stuff in the kitchen, and it wasn’t mine, and it wasn’t Wenty’s
HOT DOG: And it wasn’t mine!
JASON: Bob called me into the kitchen where I saw a laptop computer, a CD of Kalin Krohe Reference Greatest Hits and a bag of frisbee golf discs! And after examining every room in the house, we found KCOW’s KALIN KROHE–HIDING in a cobweb laden clawfoot bathtub! Clearly it was HE who caused all the disturbances (CROWD GASPS) Kalin…do you care to come up here and explain yourself?
KALIN: Okay, okay…look. Wentworth, I got tired of you being such a know-it-all, saying that there are no such things as ghosts and it’s all in the imagination. So I got up my courage and went into the Weatherbee mansion yesterday afternoon and set up things to scare you guys. Like the eyes and bloody knife in the painting, and the blood stains on the keys.
JASON: Well there you go. Everything we saw and heard was caused by Kroheim von Scamheim.
KALIN: Nnnnot exactly.
JASON: Huh?
KALIN: I had nothing to do with the organ playing by itself or the moaning. Gles and I heard that when we visited 2 days ago!
JASON: Hey…that’s true.
BOB: So….the house could be haunted?
(HOT DOG cries)
JASON: Mr. Narrator? This pig is gonna have nightmares. Can you come up with some sort of non-scary ending to this story?
ANNCR: I got this. ahem Just then, Bob and Hot Dog woke up in the KCOW basement…it was all just a bad dream, but now they were safe and sound and there were no ghosts waiting in the ether.
JASON: Very nice.
ANNCR: Or were there? moo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo ha ha ha ha hah!
(HOT DOG cries)
JASON: Not cool dude! Bob, is there anything we can do to dry the tears of this poor freaked out pig?
BOB: Hot Dog? Wanna go trick or treating? (HOT DOG is happy and childlike again)
JASON: Best idea I’ve heard all day! But Bob, Hot Dog isn’t wearing a costume!
BOB: I’ll put a piece of black tape on his back and he can go as a piggybank!
JASON: Marvelous!
ANNCR: The KCOW Halloween Theater production of The Ghost and Mr, Bestos was written and produced by Jason Wentworth. Also appearing on tonight’s show were Amy Boots, Cathe McCaffrey and Mike Glesinger. This program was pre-recorded.