We plan early in the radio business. But not this early. This is just me having an idea itch around my head for a few months and deciding it was time to put it to paper (or screen I guess).
Every Halloween on KCOW we do a two-hour special featuring classic radio thrillers “War Of The Worlds” and “Sorry Wrong Number.” We do interstitials featuring my old pal Bob S. Bestos. One year we did Bob planning a Halloween party in the KCOW basement…another year we did Bob and his pet pig Hot Dog trick-or-treating…and this year we will do…well, something different.
The script below is a first draft. It will definitely undergo tiny little changes here and there. It may undergo larger changes depending on how Bob feels. I had this idea in January or February and it’s kept popping up. So here ’tis:
(SFX: STREET NOISE. LIGHT TRAFFIC)
BOB: Keep going this way Wentdark!
JASON: Bob you gotta help me, I–I can’t see anything with this blindfold on! And what am I pulling behind me…it sure is heavy!
(HOT DOG oinks happily and RANCHY bok-bok-boks.)
BOB: You’re pulling my beloved pets Hot Dog the Wonder Pig and Ranchy the Chicken in a little red wagon.
JASON: I can’t believe you made me pull this wagon all the way from the KCOW Studios!
BOB: You need the exercise Wentflabby! (HOT DOG laughs)
JASON: The PIG is making fun of my quarantine gut. Listen Bob, you know we’ve done our KCOW Halloween night special for years…this being our 5th annual I’m honestly a little nervous about letting you produce the show.
BOB: Look at it this way, Wentwiped, you put in lots of work producing the Halloween show every year, Hot Dog and Ranchy and I think you deserve a year off.
JASON: That’s very nice but why do I have to be blindfolded?
HOT DOG AND RANCHY: It’s a surprise!
BOB: Yes it is a surprise. Okay, we’re here….let me open the door…(SFX: DOOR OPENS, BOWLING SFX FADE IN) Okay Wenty, take your blindfold off aaaaaaaaaaannnnnnnnnnd cue announcer!
ANNCR: Tonight! On location from BowlMor Lanes in Alliance, it’s the 5th Annual KCOW Halloween Special, featuring classic radio thrillers War Of The Worlds, Sorry Wrong Number, and The Ghost and Mr. Bestos! And now, your hosts for this special evening, Bob S. Bestos and his pal Wenty!
BOB: Well here we are! Are you surprised?
JASON: You could positively knock me over with a feather. Bob! Why on earth are you having us do the Halloween show from a bowling alley?!? There’s nothing scary about a bowling alley! It’s supposed to be scary!
BOB: Take a chill pill, Wentnerve! (HOT DOG AND RANCHY mumble to Bob.) Good idea fellas! Hot Dog and Ranchy are going to get you a beer.
JASON: I can’t believe I let you take charge of the Halloween show.
BOB: Speaking of which, how do I do it?
JASON: Do what?
BOB: Host the Halloween show!
JASON: You’ve watched me do it for five years and you remember nothing!??
BOB: Don’t be offended Papa Wentworth, but you’re not that interesting.
HOT DOG: Here! (BEER CRACKS OPEN)
JASON: I’ll take that (glurp glurp blurp) Okay Bob, the first thing we need to do is introduce War of the Worlds, the classic 1937 panic broadcast that convinced listeners all over the nation that aliens were attacking.
RANCHY: (panicked clucking)
RANDOM DUDE: Somebody shut the bird up, I’m rolling a perfect game here!
JASON: Uh…stay tuned for Act One of War of the Worlds after these messages.
BOB: Welcome back listeners of the radio! I am your host Bob S. Bestos for the KCOW Halloween Special, coming to you tonight from BowlMor Lanes in Alliance.
JASON: But why? WHY from the bowling alley?
BOB: Shut up and bowl, Wentgripe!
JASON: Ooh! Is it my turn already? Alrright….here we go! (SFX: gutterball) Rats! (HOT DOG AND RANCHY LAUGH.) Hey! I can still make the spare!
(SFX: gutterball)
BOB: Wenty, you are a terrible bowler. Now watch a professional like Hot Dog!
JASON: How on earth is your pet runt pig gonna bowl? The ball weighs more than he does!
BOB: That’s why we brought the red wagon. Okay Hot Dog, hop on! One…two…three…(SFX: thwack! strike! HOT DOG cheers)
JASON: I’m not sure ramming the bowling ball with a red wagon is a legal move Bob.
BOB: The score tells a different story Wentzero! Okay Ranchy, your turn!
JASON: Oh, so now Ranchy hops in the wagon and you ram the ball again?
BOB: No. That makes Ranchy agitated.
JASON: Everything makes Ranchy agitated.
HOT DOG: No kidding.
BOB: Okay, Ranchy, here’s the ball…now just push it all the way up to where those pins are.
(SFX: VERY SLOW BALL ROLLS WITH CONTENTED BOK BOK BOKS FROM RANCHY)
JASON: This is gonna take a while isn’t it?
BOB: Yes. So let’s listen to part 2 of War of the Worlds, right after these commercially type massages!
JASON: Messages.
BOB: Whatever.
(FADE IN ON RANCHY ROLLING AND BOK-BOK-BOKING.)
JASON: Boy that chicken moves slow.
BOB: Welcome back to the KCOW Halloween Special from BowlMorLanes in Alliance.
JASON: It looks like Ranchy’s about to knock over some pins!
(SFX: SOME PINS FALL. RANCHY’S BOK BOKS TURN TO TERRIFIED SQUEAKS AND SQUAWKS)
BOB AND JASON: Ranchy!
JASON: What the heck happened? He was knocking some pins down and he–he–
HOT DOG: Disappeared!
BOB: He did disappear! (SFX: FAINTLY IN THE DISTANCE, SAD RANCHY SQUAWKS) But I can still hear him behind the pins!
JASON: Let’s get over there and get him back!
BOB: But we’re not allowed to walk on the lane!
JASON: I don’t care what BowlMor management don’t allow, we’re gonna save that chicken anyhow!
PUBLIC ADDRESS: Attention please, the group on Lane 2….please move your group to Lane 8. There’s a problem with your lane.
BOB: They turned off the lights on our lane!
JASON: It’s gonna be impossible to find Ranchy in the dark. The best thing to do is try to get in the back to where the pins are set up…Bob, you and Hot Dog go over to Lane 8 and just keep bowling. I’ll see if I can find my way to the back of the lanes.
BOB: While Wenty commits breaking and entering–
JASON: –you didn’t have to say that!–
BOB: We bring you the classic radio thriller “Sorry, Wrong Number.” Act One begins after these messages.
JASON: Hey everybody, it’s Wenty here…hope you’re enjoying our KCOW Halloween Special which I am contractually obligated to remind you is produced and directed by Bob S. Bestos this year. I’ve got our radio microphone here with me in the back of the lanes…if you’re just joining us Bob’s pet chicken Ranchy was trying to knock some pins down and disappeared from the lane…so I’m here to see if I can’t track down Ranchy. Raaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaanchy….who’s a pretty birdiiieee….who’s a happy birdiiiiieeeeeee…
VINCENT (sounds like Vincent Price) That’s the most sickening bird call I’ve ever heard!
JASON: Yipe! Where did you come from?
VINCENT: I’ve been here for 47 years! I’m the keeper of the pins.
JASON: But…this alley uses automated pinsetters!
VINCENT: I’m the last of a dying breed.
JASON: (nervous laugh) Uh…I don’t supposed you have any idea what happened to my friend Bob’s pet chicken?
VINCENT: Ahhhhhhh…the nervy little fellow. Walk with me. (SCARY ECHOEY FOOTSTEPS) Is this the bird?
JASON: Ranchy! Hey! You’ve got a gag around his mouth! I’m surprised Bob never thought of that. (whispery) He’s kind of a noisy bird.
VINCENT: You’re telling me! He was giving me such a headache!
JASON: Well you can just hand him over to me and you won’t have to bother with him anymore.
VINCENT: You don’t seem to understand. I’ve been living down here for 47 years…most nights after the alley closes, I walk up and sneak some pretzel scrapings, maybe a half-empty can of beer. But now! Now! It’s chicken dinner for yours truly! (SFX: ANGRY MUFFLED SQUAWKS)
JASON: Oh no! You can’t be serious! You know, I bet the management of this place would be interested in knowing you loiter around down here!
VINCENT: Is that a threat?
JASON: Give me the chicken and I won’t tell a soul you’re down here.
VINCENT: That’s a possibility. Or I could just tie you up down here and leave you for dead.
JASON: I kinda liked my idea better…
VINCENT: Back against the wall! Move!
ANNCR: Hello friends. It’s Mr. Announcer here. Bob and Hot Dog are bowling, Ranchy’s bound and gagged and Wenty’s fit to be tied.
JASON: That’s a terrible joke!
ANNCR: You wrote it!
JASON: Duly noted.
ANNCR: Stay tuned to see if our friends can get out of this jam later tonight. Coming up, Act 3 of Sorry Wrong Number after these messages!
ANNCR: Welcome back to the KCOW Halloween Special, on location at BowlMor Lanes in Alliance! As you may recall, Ranchy the Chicken and Wenty the disc jockey were caught in the clutches of an evil old pinsetter deep in the recesses of the BowlMor. But right now, let’s check in on Bob and Hot Dog.
BOB: Well Hot Dog, you win that game….247 to 63.
HOT DOG: laughs
BOB: I was letting you win!
HOT DOG: grumpy arguing
BOB: Okay, okay! You won fair and square! Gee Hot Dog, Wenty and Ranchy have been gone a long time.
HOT DOG (nervous whine)
BOB: Don’t worry, pal…Wenty’s gotten us out of jams before…(sfx: CLIP OF PETULA CLARK SINGING “a swingin’ place, a cellarful of noise”) Oops…there goes my ringtone. Hello?
JASON: Bob!
BOB: Wenty!?!?
JASON: You’re not gonna believe this! There’s some crazy old pinsetter dude lives down here…he;s got Ranchy tied up and gagged, he’s got me tied up…he went outside to look for loose change but he’s gonna be back any minute….you two have gotta come down here and save us! Ooh shh…there he is…
VINCENT: Well, we’re just a few moments away from chicken dinner…
JASON: Before that! Uh…be–be-before that….I was just wondering, how on earth did you become the last of the pinsetters?
VINCENT: Oh that. Well…it was the sad ending to a noble career…you see, back in the 1970s I was an archaeologist in Hawaii…I had gathered all kinds of treasures in this ancient burial tomb…but I was found out by these three meddling boys….Brody, Bridey, something like that. Anyway, I left Hawaii and wound up here.
JASON: I see.
VINCENT: Chicken time!
RANCHY: (MUFFLED SCARED SQUAWKS, THEN DOOR SWINGS OPEN)
BOB: Why cook chicken when you can have HAM?!?
HOT DOG: FURIOUS GRUMBLES
VINCENT: He’s a pretty scrawny little pig.
HOT DOG: Yells then CHOMP!
VINCENT: That little porker bit me on the leg!
BOB: Listen here, creepy pinhead! Untie Ranchy and return him to me!
WENTY: And…uh…and me? He can untie me too right?!?
BOB: I guess.
VINCENT: And why should I?
BOB: Because I told the people upstairs about you, and the police are on their way…but if you let us all go, they won’t press charges.
VINCENT: Oh, fine! Here you are….let me get the gag off the bird…
(RANCHY bites him) Ow!
JASON: Coulda toldja that was gonna happen.
VINCENT: I’m going upstairs…I hope they have Band-Aids. (SFX: DOOR CLOSES)
BOB: Well Wentcrackle, we certainly seem to have some crazy adventures together don’t we?
JASON: Yes. They’ve aged me terribly. But I did enjoy the show we did a few years back about the haunted house…
BOB: The Ghost and Mr. Bestos! It’s coming up right after these messages.
BOB: After a fun evening of bowling and kidnapping it’s nice to relax in the BowlMor Lounge…
JASON: Can a brother get a Mikes Hard Lemonade over here?
HOT DOG: That’s a girls drink!
JASON: It is NOT a girls drink! You know Bob, when you brought me here to the bowling alley I was completely stupified. I thought there’s no way something scary was gonna happen here tonight! But sure enough it did.
BOB: We’re like the Scooby Doo gang Wentshaggy! Whenever we get together spooky things happen.
JASON: So who’s who here? I think you’re Shaggy, Bob..it fits you.
BOB: That makes you Velma. (HOT DOG and RANCHY laugh)
JASON: Aw come on! I mean, I do wear glasses…and I am the smart one in this group. Okay fine, I’m Velma.
BOB: Hot Dog is Scooby Doo because he’s always getting scared.
JASON: So wait…that mean’s Ranchy’s Scrappy-Doo?
BOB: He is scrappy.
JASON: Indeed. Okay, Mr. Producer, let’s wrap this thing up.
BOB: The KCOW Halloween Special was written, produced, directed, edited, catered and financed by ME! Bob S. Bestos. Associate Producers, Hot Dog and Ranchy. Relatives with useless credits include: Iced Tea Wrangler Wallace Bestos…Personal Assistant to Hot Dog, Rufus Bestos…Executive Chef, Barb S. Bestos, and Jason Wentworth as the Beaver.
JASON: We’re a little late folks. Goodnight.