I would actually record and produce this script, but Bob is locked in the basement until this coronavirus thing blows over. (His pet pig Hot Dog and pet chicken Ranchy are also quarantined with him. When I write scripts for these guys I sometimes write dialogue for Hot Dog because Bob and I speak fluent pig.)
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JASON: Hi everybody, Wenty here with Bob S. Bestos, Hot Dog and Ranchy to talk about how to stay safe during the coronavirus pandemic. For example, Bob and I are practicing social distancing by recording our lines in separate studios. Isn’t that right, Bob? (PAUSE) I say! Isn’t that right Bob?
BOB: I can’t hear you Wentdeaf! (RANCHY squawks angrily.)
JASON (yelling): Bob, we’re in separate studios, you have to wear your headphones!
BOB: Awwww…I don’t want headphone hair! (HOT DOG: “Put them on!”) Okay Hot Dog, but I’m gonna look sloppy when we go out to eat tonight,
JASON: Wait–go out to eat?
BOB: Yeah! It’s Hot Dog’s birthday. (HOT DOG and RANCHY cheer) so we’re going to our favorite Mexican restaurant for tacos and margaritas. (RANCHY squawks) Maybe no margaritas for Ranchy.
JASON: Well I’m glad you mention that, because none of our restaurants are allowed to serve dine-in guests right now. (HOT DOG whines) Don’t cry little piggie! You guys can get take-out– including the margaritas and bring it back here.
BOB: Great. I’ll call in the order now and send Ranchy over there with a little red wagon.
JASON: You’re expecting a chicken to find the restaurant, pay for the food, and bring it back?
BOB: He’s the smartest chicken I know! (RANCHY makes happy little bawk-bawk-bawk sounds)
JASON: Okay, well, let’s see how smart you are Bob…when’s the last time you washed your hands?
BOB: Hmmm….let’s see…when did Baby Jessica get stuck down the well? Cause it was not long after that.
JASON: Bob–to increase your immunity you should be washing your hands throughout the day. And don’t touch your face.
BOB: Can Hot Dog touch my face? (HOT DOG: Angry grumbles)
JASON: Bob, you shouldn’t be letting anyone touch your face.
BOB: Now you tell me! Next I suppose you’ll say I can’t hold my Bestos family reunion down in the basement this Tuesday.
JASON: Uh…well…how many Bestoses are there?
BOB: Counting my Nana Susie and Uncle Rufus Bestos and everybody else…106.
JASON: A hundred and six people in the basement!?!? Bob, your elevator doesn’t go all the way to the top floor.
BOB: Thanks for the compliment!
JASON, HOT DOG AND RANCHY: Not a compliment!
JASON: Bob, you can’t assemble in groups of more than ten people.
BOB: Who says?
JASON: The Governor!
BOB: The bald one?
JASON: We only have one.
BOB: Is there any other important stuff we need to say Wentfacts?
JASON: Well, the main thing is to stay at home as long as you can…keep track of how you’re feeling and contact your health provider or public health if you’re experiencing symptoms…and remember that it always helps to reach out to a friend or loved one if you’re feeling concerned.
BOB: Are you my loved one Wentpal?
JASON: If not me I have no idea who. Now let’s break out the Clorox wipes so Gles can use these studios later.
(RANCHY chewing sound)
BOB: Ranchy! Don’t eat the wipes! (HOT DOG chewing sounds) Hot Dog! Don’t eat Ranchy!
JASON: I wonder if this is what some of you parents are experiencing.
ANNCR: This hopelessly long message presented as a public service of Wentyworld dot com.