Ode To Cup O’ Noodle

In these challengi–nope. In this unusual situ–nope. (It is getting hard to avoid cliches when discussing pandemic times.)

Life sucks, and I want to show appreciation for the things that make me happy. So here is something I wrote 14 years ago about my favorite noodle-based lunch food product:

This morning, I woke up with Unexplained Throat Pain (TM). I have no idea why–hence the name, Unexplained Throat Pain.  If I were to guess, it’s that the air in my apartment gets really dry when I turn on the heat.  And the heat is on, cause, y’know, crazy #$%^ing schizofrenic Nebraska weather.  See previous rant on that subject.

So my throat hurts–and just in case this is the opening act to the 2006 Common Cold World Tour, I have started the Vitamin C drops again.  I have no clue whether they do a damn thing.  They have a pleasant citrus taste.  Also, rather than trying to cram a sandwich down my swollen gullet, I have opted for the Cup O’ Noodles today.  About once a year I buy a buttload of these, and put them in a filing cabinet for days when I’m too poor for fast food, or not all that hungry, or sickish like today.  The things keep for–well, I think the one I’m eating now has an “Official cheap food product of the 1996 Olympics” logo on it.

Marvelous invention, the Cup O’ Noodle.  Our forefathers would shed tears of joy over Cup O’ Noodles.  Ben Franklin might be a wee bit jealous he didn’t think of it himself, but he can’t have all the brilliant inventions.  I will say this: the Cup O’ Noodles are not quite as good as the Ramen Noodle bricks–you know, the ones with the flavor packet.  You sacrifice flavor for convenience, I guess.  But a Ramen Noodle brick you boil yourself and mix the spices into…man, that’s good, dirt-cheap eatin’.  I think the ingredient breakdown of the spice packet that comes with those looks something like this:

Chicken Scrapings: .0000003%
Onion Powder: .0000007%
Table Salt 99.9999%

Of course, with the brick, you don’t get those freeze-dried peas, corn and carrots…I guess each has its benefits. 

So today, because piping-hot chicken broth made my throat feel mildly better for a fleeting moment, I honor Cup O’ Noodles.  If you dropped a crate of the stuff in Cuba, they’d give up that Communism bunk and take turns shooting freeze-dried carrot chunks at Castro’s face.

So there again, from 2006, my incredibly dated love letter to Cup Noodle. (Also known under various trade dress as “Instant Lunch” or other names. You know it by its appearance.) And to reiterate, I am not currently sick.

Sick of watching my hair grow? Yes.
Sick of the crippling loneliness and hopelessness? Yes.
Sick of arguing with Kalin over who has the more depressing life? Yes.
But physically ill? No.

In the years since I originally wrote this I have been fortunate in that I now make enough money that I don’t have to buy 10 Cup Noodles (or a loaf of bread and a jar of peanut butter, another long-haul lunch option) to keep myself fed. Or at least I didn’t, before the virus hit. Now that most restaurants are carry-out only and the public transit is “medical need only” I need to have something to bring for work for lunch. Cup Noodles to the rescue!

Allow me to stop here for a moment. I am well aware that Cup Noodles is not a nutritious lunch. It is a processed product, a sodium bomb, and generally speaking barely qualifies as food. I don’t give a damn. I like Cup Noodles and I keep them in rotation with other awful food options like Kraft Easy Mac and Lunchables. When this is all over, and if Kalin Krohe hasn’t gone totally Howard Hughes on us, he and I will perhaps return to enjoying nice, hot lunch at restaurants. (Estimated date: 3rd Quarter 2025.)

Honestly, if I ended up on Death Row, and the time came to submit my last meal request, I could do a hell of a lot worse than Cup Noodle. It is, in these unpredic–sorry. Almost caught me in another pandemic cliche. Cup Noodle is a known entity. You know you’re getting noodles, little bits of corn and carrot, and piping hot chicken broth.

I may not know when I’m finally going to be able to get my G-D hair cut. I don’t know when I’ll be able to leave the Mountain time zone. I don’t know if anything in my life will ever be the way it was again.

But by God, I know what I’m getting with Cup Noodles.

(Incidentally, I have no idea what crime would put me on death row. I’m picturing some dystopian society where making bad jokes on the radio is a capital offense.)