Listen to this first!
ANNCR: And now, tonight’s story, “The Great Dutch Oven Swindle”, starring Earl and Patricia Jones. Co-starring Herb Vigran and Daws Butler as Harris and Ringo.
LORNE: Good evening. This is Lorne Greene. On one of our recent broadcasts we told the story of a group of four men and a small boy who fought disease and adversity on The Oregon Trail. As you’ll recall, they made it to Oregon but only after a pair of devious crooks stole their entire pack of oxen. Those two scoundrels, Harris and Ringo by name, are now arriving in Oregon City. How is it that the party they robbed of oxen beat them to the city by two full days?
HARRIS: You had to stop at every little tepee, mud hut, trading post and Mercantile along the way?
RINGO: But looky here at all these purty rings! (SFX: jangle of rings)
HARRIS: Quiet your noisy fingers, I’ve got a headache…these side paths kick up all kinds of dust.
RINGO: Why doesn’t we travel on them nice wide main roads Harris?
HARRIS: Ringo, you 24-karat ignoramus, we stole eleven oxen! We need to keep a low profile, on the very remote chance that those five fellas figured out a way to make it here.
RINGO: You ain’t serious! How they gon’ get anywhere with no oxys?
HARRIS: I don’t know. But I know I’m not getting anywhere without a stiff drink! See that little town over the hill there?
RINGO: Yassir.
HARRIS: There’s a saloon down there! You and I are gonna go down there, have a couple of ice cold beers and then…
RINGO: Pretzel bread?
HARRIS: We’re gonna rob the place!
RINGO: Aw, Harris, I don’t like it when we rob real live breathin’ people!
HARRIS: Yeah, well, sometimes there’s no other options. We’ve gotta sell these oxen but they need food and water and we’ve got no money.
RINGO: Ain’t there nothin’ else we can do?
HARRIS: Well…we could try to sell all those rings of yours…
RINGO: I’ll load my gun. But what’re we gonna do with the oxys?
HARRIS: See that barn just across the way?
RINGO: Y’ah huh.
HARRIS: The whole building is caked with dust. Nobody’s been in it for months. We can store the oxen in there and walk down to the saloon.
LORNE: And so the crooks did just that. But only a half hour after they started their way down the hill…
OLD FARMER: This is the barn. I haven’t been using it lately, packing up for the move and all. What did you say your name was?
GLES: Mike O’ Shaunglessy…and this is my son, Kalin. We’ve been staying at the boarding house down in the center of town…we heard about this ranch being put up for sale.
KALIN: Do you have any oxes?
GLES: Oxen.
KALIN: Oxen.
OLD FARMER: No, but you should have no trouble finding a good pack…folks always arriving here from parts east. And this livestock barn makes a great place to keep ’em…lemme just open the doors here. (SFX: creaky wooden doors opening) Well I’ll be hog-wallered!
GLES: Oxes!
KALIN: Oxen.
GLES: Right. Hey wait a minute….these are OUR oxen!
KALIN: Jebediah! Eukariah! Willard!
OLD FARMER: How did you get ’em in here?
GLES: We didn’t! We were robbed of these oxen 100 miles outside Oregon City! And here they are!
OLD FARMER: Well, the terms are just as we discussed in the house.
GLES: We’ll take it all–homestead, ranch and farm!
LORNE: Meanwhile, down the hill…(SFX: fade in honkytonk piano)...it was another fun night at the Trails End Saloon.
DRUNKEN BAR SINGERS:
Woodman, woodman, spare that tree
Touch not a single bough
For years it has protected me
And I’ll protect it now
Chop down an oak, a birch or pine
But not this slipp’ry elm of mine
It’s the only tree that my wife can’t climb
So spare that tree!
EARL: I think at least one or two of you were on key that time.
LORNE: That’s Earl Jones, the barkeeper. He and his bride Patricia own the saloon.
DRUNK1: Another beer!
DRUNK2: Right here!
DRUNK3: Scotch!
EARL: On the way fellas.
DRUNK1: You know I hear this Jones fella came into ownin’ this here saloon in an unusual way. Seems he and his wife got to town just as the original owner was being thrown out of the territory for watering down his drinks. For a while they thought they’d have to close the place down.
DRUNKS 2 AND 3 (singing): And then along came Jones..tall, thin Joooooones..slow-walkin’ Jones…sloooooow talkin’ Jones!
EARL: Okay, okay, here’s your drinks fellas.
LORNE: Just about at that moment, Harris and Ringo stumbled through the swinging saloon doors.
EARL: Evening, gents. You two look like the inside of a goat’s stomach.
HARRIS: Well, we were trying to walk down the hill to this little town here…(pant, pant) and my partner tripped and starting rolling down the hill.
RINGO: It was fun! I tripped ’cause I thought I saw a pretty ring in the grass.
HARRIS: That was a cigar band you imbecile.
EARL: Would a couple of cold beers cool off you two?
HARRIS: Yes, thank you. Let me procure my billfold..
EARL: Forget it. The beers are on the house…looks to me like you fellas earned yours just getting here.
RINGO: Great! Now we don’t have to rob the place!
EARL: Beg pardon?
HARRIS: He was saying…that…uh….I bet people MOB the place!
EARL: Well…it is Dutch Oven Night. (DRUNKEN REVELERS cheer.)
LORNE: At the sound of the cheering barflies, Earl’s wife Patricia entered the barroom from the kitchen and checked on some food cooking in a dutch oven.
HARRIS: Barkeep! What’s Dutch Oven Night?
EARL: Well, on our way out here from Missouri Patricia bought this dutch oven at a mercantile. It’s a cast-iron pot used for cooking a variety of dishes. As far as I know we’re the first to have one here in Oregon City. Why some folks in town call Patricia “Dutch Oven Jones”.
RINGO: What-all is she gonna cook in that there contraption?
EARL: Why don’t you ask her yourself?
RINGO: HEY THERE DUTCH OVEN LADY!
HARRIS: Ringo, you dullard, I think he meant for us to walk over to the other side of the room and talk to her.
RINGO: Well, as long as we can take our beer with us.
HARRIS: Excuse me…Dutch Oven Jones?
DOJ: That’s what they call me.
HARRIS: What are you preparing this evening?
DOJ: Pot roast with carrots and potatoes.
RINGO: Hoooooooo–eeee! That sure does sound deeeeeeeeee-licious!
DOJ: It’s pretty popular around these parts. I got the carrots and potatoes from Mr. Barnum’s garden, and the beef from Farmer Wilson….
HARRIS: How much do you charge for these vittles?
DOJ: Customers of the bar eat free.
RINGO: Free like we don’t pay?
DOJ: Precisely.
HARRIS: Well, thank you…thank you very much Mrs. Jones…
DOJ: Don’t you wander away now, this’ll be ready in just an hour or so.
LORNE: As Harris and Ringo returned to their seats at the bar, a devious grin began to form at the corner of Harris’ mouth. Ringo had seen this look before, and it only meant trouble.
ANNCR: Sears Radio Theatre will return after this word from your local station.
ANNCR: And now, Act 2 of “The Great Dutch Oven Swindle”, starring Earl and Patricia Jones…and co-starring Herb Vigran and Daws Butler as Harris and Ringo.
LORNE: Harris and Ringo waited patiently for Patricia’s dutch oven pot roast to be served. It was the hit of the night, as each of the barflies stood up for seconds. While everyone was enjoying their second helping, Harris decided it was time to talk business with Ringo.
HARRIS: Ringo..we gotta make our move.
RINGO: Harris, I don’t wanna stick up this place…not after they fed us and everything!
HARRIS: We’re not gonna rob the bar.
RINGO: Oh thank goodness. Let’s settle up and go fetch the oxys.
HARRIS: Hold it, hold it. We still need money to get food for the oxen. If we got caught robbing the bar we’d be sunk for sure. But if we swipe that lady’s dutch oven and sell it to the mercantile down the road, that’s easy money!
RINGO: Awwwwwwwwwwwww….
HARRIS: Now quit blubbering and help me think of a way to distract everybody. If we can get everybody up to the front of the room, one of us could grab the dutch oven and sneak out the kitchen!
RINGO: Well…when we came in they was all singin’ somethin’…
HARRIS: The piano! Yes! Ringo, you can knock out a happy tune on the piano can’tcha?
RINGO: I do know “Oh Susanna”.
HARRIS: All right, great, you sit at the piano and start playing “Oh Susanna”, make it big and loud and sloppy!
RINGO: That’s the only way I know how to play!
LORNE: Good as his word, Ringo sat down at the weatherbeaten old piano and began croaking out “Old Susanna”. Everyone quickly gathered around the ivories and joined in, it being one of only fourteen songs in existence at the time.
DRUNKEN SINGERS:
Well, I come from Alabama
With my banjo on my knee
And I’m bound for Louisiana
My own true love for to see
It did rain all night the day I left
The weather was bone dry
The sun was so hot I froze myself
Susanne, don’t you go on and cry
I said, oh, Susannah
Now, don’t you cry for me
As I come from Alabama
With this banjo on my knee
(repeat of chorus as singers fade into background)
HARRIS: Well..here it is….herrrrrmmmmppgpgphhhh.h…h……doggone thing is heavier than I thought! Still hot too….ooh! Better use these potholders….Hrrrrgghhhh…this thing must weigh a ton…okay…right through these doors..
(SFX: echo on following sequence)
DOJ: What do you think you’re doing with that!?!?
HARRIS: I was just–
DOJ: Drop it! Drop it!
HARRIS: Hey! Put that rolling pin down! You’re gonna make me drop this thing! (SFX: Hard metallic KLONK) Owwwwwwwwww!!! My foot!
DOJ: You’re lucky it’s just your foot! Now stay right there while I get Earl to flag down a police officer!
HARRIS: Okay! Okay! Just quit swingin’ that rolling pin at me!
LORNE: A while later, an officer of the law arrived on scene to apprehend the scoundrels…
OFFICER: So let me get this straight, he stole your oven?
DOJ: Attempted to. And it’s a dutch oven, a thick-walled cooking pot with a tight fitting lid. Versatile? You’d better believe it.
OFFICER: You wouldn’t happen to be Dutch Oven Jones would you?
EARL: Brilliant deduction officer.
DOJ: Yes, I’m Dutch Oven Jones.
HARRIS: And I’m sitting here with a broken toe! Besides, she scared me so much I dropped the stupid dutch oven on my foot! So I didn’t really steal it! Tell them Ringo.
RINGO: No sir, he didn’t steal no cookin’ pot. He tried to. That was after he decided not to stick up the place.
HARRIS: Shut up! Just shut up!
OFFICER: Listen…Mr. and Mrs. Jones, this man is right. Since he didn’t come anywhere close to stealing your dutch oven, we can’t take him in on that charge.
HARRIS: Let’s be off, Ringo.
RINGO: You’re always tellin’ me I’m a little bit off.
OFFICER: However!! We did get a theft report 24 hours ago about a pack of eleven oxen stolen from a traveling group heading this way. Would you come in, Mr. O’Shaunglessy?
GLES: Okay, but I have to bring my son with me.
KALIN: Can I have a sarsparilla?
GLES: Quiet, son.
OFFICER: This gentleman is from that group and he found his oxen stuffed away in an old livestock barn earlier today.
HARRIS: You can’t pin that on me!
OFFICER: Well, the funny thing is, there were 3 glass pinkie rings littered on the floor of the barn, which checks out with previous crimes committed by this duo.
RINGO: I knew this left hand felt light!
HARRIS: Unbelievable.
OFFICER: Come on you two…it’s to the pokey with both of you!
GLES: Let’s go Kalin..it’s getting late.
KALIN: I didn’t get any sarsparilla!
GLES: We’ll stop off at the ice cream parlor.
KALIN: Yay! Thanks Dad!
GLES: You bet, son,
(SFX: saloon doors swing shut)
EARL Well, Patricia, it’s been an exciting night.
DOJ: Exciting is one way to put it.
EARL: Did that Harris fellow do any damage to the dutch oven?
DOJ: I don’t think so. His toe broke the fall.
EARL: Care for a beer?
DOJ: I thought you’d never ask.
(SFX: Music Sting)
ANNCR: Join us tomorrow when Andy Griffith hosts “A Bitter Breakfast.” Tonight’s cast featured Earl and Patricia Jones, co-starring Herb Vigran and Daws Butler as Harris and Ringo. Special guest appearances by Mike Glesinger and Kalin Krohe. This is Art Gilmore speaking!