Necco Wafers Are Back! Finally, Something Stupid To Write About

Poor, poor Wentyworld dot com. This blog of mine has been quieter than a church mouse these days. And why not? I can’t write movie reviews because the theater has been closed. I can’t write about travel adventures because there are none. (Although! My friend Tami is whisking me away to Rapid City for a day in June, and I will have something fun to write about that.)

So I am left to write things that only hold an interest for me, such as “The many attempts to launch backdoor pilots during the final season of ‘The Danny Thomas Show'”. This would include episodes featuring Guy Marks, Bernard Fox, Piccola Pupa, and the cold hard fact that although “backdoor pilot” sounds like a dirty phrase, it really isn’t.

But today! Big, big exciting news! Necco wafers are back! After a two-year absence from store shelves, the quote unquote “classic” candy brand (created by New England Confectionery Company) has been sold to a new company and those crusty little devils will be back on store shelves soon.

Rather than score an interview with the company that bought the rights to Necco wafers, I decided to track down Amos Pectin, longtime company historian for Necco. We had this conversation which is edited for clarity, and also phony.

Mr. Pectin, I’ll be honest, when you people went bankrupt I was shocked it hadn’t happened 34 years earlier. I genuinely have never seen a human being eat a Necco wafer since 1982.

Well, sir, we’ve been making them every day up until two years ago, and somebody somewhere was buying them.

I guess. Well, let’s talk about the rich history of Necco wafers. Is it true this product was originally developed as a syphillis remedy for soldiers in the civil war?

Absolutely not. We have records showing them being used for that purpose since The War Of 1812. The original name of the product was Necco Syphillis Stoppers.

Necco of course standing for New England Confectionery Company?

No sir. The first time we tried to cram one of those things down a soldier’s gullet he cried some kind of protest. Some say he cried “Let go!”…some say it was “Yucko!”…but most of us heard “Necco.” You see, originally the wafers were flavorless…and 5 times larger.

Yikes.

We found they worked better with a little flavor in them.

Okay, so this brings me to the flavors of Necco wafers……..

Yessir?

What the hell are they?

Hang on, let me get my list. Red ones are either cotton candy, cinnamon, lipstick, apple shavings, or tomato. Yellow is either lemon, banana or egg noodle. Blue is either grape, sour quince or the stuff barbers keep their combs in.

So you’re telling me these things have more than one flavor per color?

Well, see, sonny, here’s the rub. We’ve changed the flavors a few times to keep up with modern candy trends….like grape. These wafers, you know, they have no expiration date. Here…take a look at this pack I have in my pocket.

“Official mediocre sugar tokens of the 1934 Winter Olympics.” So if I go to a store and buy a roll of these things it could be–

214 years old.

That doesn’t exactly tempt my appetite.

It’s best if you don’t think about it.

Well, you have reaffirmed every negative opinion I ever held about Necco wafers, and introduced some new ones. But here’s a final question: Will the SkyBar be coming back? My Dad introduced me to that…it was really good!

Beats me. Did you know that during a brief period in the 1940s, one of the SkyBar pockets was filled with penicillin? Kept our fighting boys healthy so they could kick Hitler’s patoot!

Wow.