I had to write this story today. It was in my brain, taunting me.
THE IDEA
Wentworth and Krohe had been friends for years. Krohe, a talented musician who labored at his notebook to find the perfect set of lyrics, was a sensible and ethical soul. His friend Wentworth was a bit of an odd duck. Employed as a radio announcer, he fancied himself a bit of a jack-of-all-trades. Sometimes Wentworth would form a notion in his soft, goopy brain and refuse to shake it.
“I’m telling you, man, it’s genius! All these people go on this show and do these strange goofy acts and the winner gets a ton of money and a Vegas residency!”
Krohe was unimpressed. For one thing, he didn’t watch television at all, so “America’s Got Talent” was completely foreign to him. “And,” he insisted, “Nobody would appreciate my music on that TV show, or in Vegas.”
“Look, forget Vegas, forget what these people think,” Wenty suggested. “My idea for an act is guaranteed to win you first prize! Then you can take the money and set up shop wherever people appreciate original folk-rock songwriting!” Krohe was beginning to take the bait. “Tell me the idea again,” he offered pensively.
“Okay, so first you get a bear. You train the bear. You go on stage, then the bear comes on pushing a little drink cart. The bear hands you a cup of tea. You sip the tea. Then you take your guitar out and play ‘South Dakota Sun’ while the bear does its happy bear dance. I call the act ‘Kalin Krohe and His Amazing Butler Bear.'”
“You’re nuts,” replied Krohe. “How do I get a bear? How do I train a bear? How does the bear know what his happy dance is?” Wenty was stymied for just a moment or two. “Leave that to me!” he declared.
THE YELLOWSTONE JOB
On a summer morning Krohe and Wenty began a long journey from their Nebraska home to Yellowstone National Park. Krohe was driving an enormous pickup truck. Following the boys was a motorcade of hearty men including Pat Adriance, Lucas Peterson, Jason Hager, Dangerous Dave Kuskie and Wenty’s brother, The Wook.
After a ten-hour drive, Kalin and Wenty exited the pickup. Wenty began to say “I think I see a pic-a-nic basket!” but Krohe tersely barked, “Do that Yogi Bear voice again and I will kick you in the pancreas.”
The plan was simple: The Wook, through underground channels, had acquired a high-powered gun fully loaded with tranquilizer darts. Peterson, a sure shot if ever there was one, would take the task of tranquilizing a six foot tall grizzly bear. Krohe continued to be concerned about the ethical and legal ramifications of what was about to happen. “I don’t like this, guys! It’s like a kidnapping! A bearnapping!”
“Listen,” reasoned Wentworth. “We have to get the bear this way. You can’t just walk into the Dollar Tree and buy a bear!”
“Not since the late 1970s,” said Adriance, feeling the need to get at least one line of dialogue in the narrative.
FInally, after 90 minutes or so of waiting for campers to vacate, the team found their ursine raison d’etre. Peterson aimed the tranquilizer gun at the big grizzly, but the bear moved to one side. Wentworth, doing a Yogi Bear voice, chuckled “Looks like he’s smmmmmarter than the average bear!” Peterson turned to Krohe and said, “I think I really should take a practice shot first.”
With Wenty slumped in the front seat of the pickup, leaving a trail of drool along the armrest, Peterson successfully trsnquilized the bear. Now came the task of physically hoisting the bruin into the truck bed. Hager, Adriance, Kuskie, and Krohe discussed ways to achieve the feat but were shocked to find the Wook, carrying the bear like a sack of potatoes and delivering it gently to the truck bed.
“Are you sure you’re Wenty’s brother?” Krohe asked.
A tarp was draped over the bear and the motorcade sped on, rushing against the clock to get the bear back to Nebraska before the tranquilizer wore off.
THE MEETING
Upon arriving home, the Wook moved the bear into Krohe’s house. “Put him in the bathtub,” said Krohe.
Everyone left and it was just Krohe and the bear (Wenty was still slumped over in the truck.) Krohe walked over to the dollar store and bought every container of honey the store had. Returning home, he surrounded the bathtub with honey, and put on a CD of quiet, peaceful music. The following day, at 11:14am Krohe heard movement from the direction of his bathroom He tiptoed carefully…and could see through a crack in the door, the bear licking honey off its paws. Krohe decided that the longer he waited, the harder it would be to come face to face with the bear. So Krohe slowly, gingerly pulled open the bathroom door and took a tentative step. At first the bear growled. Krohe held his position, not out of strength but out of terror-stricken paralysis. After growling for a moment or two, the bear went back to the honey.
“Hello Mr. Bear!”, said Krohe with the serene kindness of Bob Ross and Mister Rogers combined. “Let’s be friends.” And with that, Kalin offered a hand to the bear. The creature put Krohe’s hands between his two paws…the bear version of a Methodist handshake. It was love at first sight.
THE TRAINING
Three days later, when Wenty finally came out of being tranquilized, Krohe got him up to speed. “It’s amazing! He gives me hugs, and we eat dinner together! And he takes out the trash! Scared the hell out of the neighbors but still…”
“That’s all well and good, but does he know how to push the beverage cart? Does he know how to make you a cup of tea? Does he know how to do his happy bear dance?” Krohe sheepishly replied, “Aw…gee, we’ve just been hanging out and stuff.”
“Listen here, bucko!” Wenty growled. “If you’re gonna go on America’s Got Talent and win all the money, you’ve got to put that bear through its paces! And that means sometimes denying him treats or speaking to him in a harsh voice!” Krohe cried, “But I can’t! He’s my friend! And also, he might kill me.. The other day I tried to take a bowl of honey away from him and he smacked me in the face with his paw!” Wenty was immovable. “I didn’t say it was going to be easy! But I will help you. We’ll make a superstar out of……That Bear!”
Brown Fur…Sharp Teeth…Big Paws…
That Bear
Honey, Violence, Growling
Is That Bear
He’s tooth marks on your cheek
He’s everything that every bear should be!
So if you find one bear to love
Only one bear to love
Then he’ll be….that bear toooooooooooooo!
That Bear!
THE TRAINING
Wenty decided to seek out training in the citadel of knowledge that so many others have used: YouTube.
In-between being encouraged to ring the bell for notifications and subscribe for future videos that show how to train animals that really shouldn’t be trained, the boys did learn some basic training methods. Unlike Wenty’s foolish notions about depriving treats and scolding the bear, the video showed that positive reinforcement works best. And so, in a matter of weeks, the bear (Krohe never named him) became a perfect performer. Next stop: Radio City Music Hall!
THE AUDITION
Krohe, Wenty and the bear were filled with confidence and enthusiasm when they arrived at Radio City Music Hall for the cattle call auditions for America’s Got Talent. This was the stage of the competition in which acts showing merit would be selected for television exposure. The odds were against every act, as only 75 of the 900-plus acts present would move forward.
The bear, being…well…a bear, was forced to wear a muzzle and wrist cuffs until performance time. Krohe patted his grizzly chum on the back. “Don’t worry pal…we’re gonna knock ’em dead!”
Eventually, the time came for Kalin Krohe and his Amazing Butler Bear to stand in front of a table of producers and do their act. It went as smooth as glass. The bear pushed the beverage cart out with the delicate care of a maitre’d. He presented Krohe with a cup of tea. Krohe had a sip, pulled out his guitar and sang “South Dakota Sun” as beautifully as ever. And the bear danced its happy bear dance, a lumbering side-to-side affair that, to paraphrase Clement Moore, made the producers laugh in spite of themselves. Wenty, unable to attend the performance since he was not a cast member, decided to try to get onto the show with his Yogi Bear voice. He was escorted off property by security guards and nibbled on a bagel waiting for Krohe and the bear to finish up.
THE BIG SHOW
Well, this was it. Kalin Krohe and His Amazing Butler Bear were about to walk onto the huge Radio City Music Hall stage and perform their act before an audience of hundreds and three celebrity judges who held the act’s fate in their hands. Or so one would think. But fate of another kind would dictate the final paragraph of this tale.
Host Terry Crews walked out to address the crowd. “We get all kinds of different acts here on AGT, and quite a few animal acts. But this one is really something else. Please welcome, from Alliance Nebraska, KALIN KROHE AND HIS AMAZING BUTLER BEAR!” The crowd applauded vigorously as Kalin walked out solo.
“Hi folks, my name is Kalin Krohe as Terry said, and I’m a singer/songwriter. I find life is a lot easier when you have someone to help you through things. That’s why I have my butler bear!” At this point Kalin rang a small bell and the bear, dressed in a bowler hat and bowtie, walked on stage to nervous laughter and applause.
“I’m so glad you’re here!” said Kalin to the bear. Everything was going to plan. “Would you fix me a cup of tea?” All through training, attempts to teach the bear how to make a cup of tea–pour the water, soak the teabag, etc.–had failed. The solution was to have a pre-made cup of tea on the cart that the bear could simply hand to Kalin. And in every rehearsal, in the performance for the producers, that’s exactly how it went. The bear picked up the cup and handed it to Kalin who took a sip.
However, in front of the cameras and the judges and the giggling audience…the bear would not give Kalin the cup. Kalin asked again and the bear snorted. At first it seemed like this might be part of the act. It was not.
Backstage at America’s Got Talent there was a beverage cart for the host and judges. An intern brought in a cup of tea topped generously with honey, just the way Simon Cowell liked it. However, the intern put Cowell’s tea on the bear’s beverage cart. And when the bear realized there was honey in the tea, all bets were off. Kalin tried to grab the cup out of the bear’s hand. The bear growled, grabbed Krohe’s guitar and smashed it over his head. The crowd went wild, Sofia Vergara hit the gold buzzer, and Kalin needed three stitches in his head. They are, as we speak, developing their next act for the semifinals. Wenty thinks maybe some kind of cowboy thing where Kalin rides the bear like a horse.