Before establishing wentyworld.com, I had a plain old WordPress blog for fourteen years. It’s still there. Kind of like a mall that closes down but still has the carousel, escalators and other components sitting and gathering dust.
I wrote a lot of silly things for that blog, and this is one of them. This article isn’t based on a concocted premise; I really, genuinely don’t like weddings. My coworker Tammy had a great wedding at Alliance’s Skyview Golf Course…my pal Pat had a beautiful wedding on the beach. But most weddings require dressing up, which I hate; and involve interacting with vast quantities of strangers, which makes me anxious. (Remember, I’m the guy who knew from age three that he wanted a job that involves sitting alone in a room for hours on end.)
Anyway, here’s something I wrote seven years ago.
My name is Jason. I’m 43 years old, and I hate weddings.
It pains me to say this, because many of my favorite people in the world–relatives even!–have held weddings. And I’ve disliked…well…quite a few of the weddings I’ve attended. There are exceptions, of course–and I find, looking back, that the ones I’ve enjoyed have been, by and large, low-key quiet affairs. But even the best wedding in the world could use improvement. And that’s where I come in. Who better to reinvent the stuffy, stiff, stagnant marriage ceremony than me–a lifetime bachelor with not a molecule of romance and no truck for pomposity?
My solution to the general lousiness of weddings is presented as a list of things every GOOD wedding should have. So let’s get to it. I’m very excited about this! In 5 years, every wedding will be this awesome.
1. Elephant Rides. For a half an hour before wedding guests are welcomed into the venue: free rides on a circus elephant. I actually got to ride on an elephant once, when the circus came to Wilmington, NY. It was marvelous. And I think the promise of going around the parking lot once on ol’ Jumbo would soften the blow of paying $500 to fly somewhere unexciting for 36 hours. Of course, you probably don’t want to hang around wild animals in formalwear, so…
2. Come As You Are. If the wedding party, by unanimous vote, decides to get fancy, sure. But guests–no shirt, no shoes, no problem! Be comfortable!
3. Pickpocket Monkeys. My co-worker Mike “Gles” Glesinger told us a story about encountering a man and his trained monkey on the streets of Hong Kong…the monkey was friendly but immediately began ruffling through people’s pockets. Which made me think: Pickpocket monkeys would make perfect ring bearers. How many times have you sat watching a stupified 4-year-old wander aimlessly through the aisle holding a pillow? And the pillow usually doesn’t have the ring on it, because who’s going to trust a toddler with $2,000 worth of jewelry? A monkey could be easily trained to walk down the aisle while simultaneously robbing the guests! (Bonus: Even people who didn’t bring a present might end up giving generously to the new couple.) Monkeys: endlessly entertaining. Small tired children: not always so much.
4. The Ceremonial Throwing Of The Pie. Every guest has to take a number on their way into the venue. After the bride and groom have kissed, there’s a random drawing–and whoever gets picked is hit in the face with a pie. The father of the groom does the throwing, as per tradition I just invented. (If the “winner” of the drawing refuses to play along, they must write a check to the bride and groom for $100, or pay the Minister.)
5. Wedding Snack Cakes. Instead of an ornate (and obscenely expensive) wedding cake–always vanilla with white frosting for some inexplicable reason–the new tradition calls for the banquet table to be topped to abundance with Dolly Madison snack cakes. Everybody gets Zingers, fruit pies, donette gems or their own personal favorite. (I realize this results in the removal of the classic “bride feeds the groom cake” shenanigans, which people always seem to look forward to. That’s why I added #4, the ceremonial throwing of the pie.)
6. Food People Like. Just as an example: many weddings I’ve been to have had that old standby, little bowls of peanuts and mints. Oh, and the awful cake. The new tradition: fast food side dishes, in mass quantities. Huge bowls of McDonald’s french fries, Burger King onion rings or (a regional favorite) Taco John’s potato oles. It’s hot food, and it’s just enough to keep the aggressive drinkers from becoming ill on an empty stomach.
7. A Single Rose. Another distasteful wedding tradition: the throwing of the bouquet. This always seems to get just shy of actual fisticuffs, before the DJ plays “Cotton Eye Joe” to clear out the fracas. The new tradition: the bride hands out a single red rose to every female member of the wedding party. Each rose has a little card on it which says something elegant like:
To those who have found their soulmate;
and those who still search.
Thank you for sharing this moment with us.
(See? it’s not all circus animals and stuff.)
And there it is. My blueprint for just how awesome weddings could be. I release it now to the public domain, so 100 years from now, as people line up for elephant rides, a conversation is overheard:
“I wonder why we ride the elephant before the wedding?”
“I dunno…it’s just always been this way…”