This is going to be one of those “grumpy old man” essays. Winter tends to gin up the grouch in me, even if there’s no snow.
I decided a few weeks back to plan a little weekend getaway. Three days and two nights in the Mile High City, the highlight being a live stage performance of “Mark Twain Tonight”, a one-man show created and performed by Hal Holbrook. He also made several appearances on “Designing Women” as Julia Sugarbaker’s love interest.
Since Mr. Holbrook is no longer with us, I am planning to see Mark Twain as brought to life by Richard Thomas. I actually was planning to see him in a stage version of “To Kill A Mockingbird” back in January 2023 but I ended up being too busy playing the leading role in “Whose Life Is It Anyway”.
So yes, I am going to Denver (weather permitting) to have some fun. Here’s where the grouchy part comes in.
I bought my ticket for Mark Twain Tonight on StubHub, an outfit which connects people to third party ticket sellers. I’ve used StubHub several times. It has worked reasonably well. But this time…not so much. I conducted the transaction and waited for my ticket transfer email. Day one, day two, day three, no dice. Thus began the death march of texting StubHub. Sometimes it would be canned support. Sometimes it would be (I am told) a live person. But the live person sends the same paragraph encouraging me to ask for a re-transfer. Which I did multiple times. No dice. No ticket either. They also encouraged me to get help at the Denver Performing Arts Center website, which I did. No dice. No ticket.
In my last (and I do mean last) conversation with StubHub Man Or Bot or whatever, they informed me that if my ticket email did not come to me by two hours before the show starts, I can possibly get different tickets or just get a refund. Nothing certain about the more important of these options, because obviously if they’re sold out they can’t give me another ticket.
At this point, I put on my Mr. Howell hat and said, “Arf arf arf, by george, if they can’t guarantee me a ticket, I’ll buy a ticket somewhere else!” (If you want to talk like Mr. Howell, stick out your lower jaw. Trust me.)
Now I imagine some of you are saying, “Wenty! You’re a dope! That StubHub ticket would come in eventually! You’ll have two tickets, one of which is useless, and you’ll feel like a fool.”
No I won’t!
I’ve booked a flight, two nights at the Brown Palace, and I’ll be damned if I’m gonna be standing in line at the theater only to get a refund. As I would say with more lowbrow company, F— that noise. So I bought a ticket directly from the venue, which is what I should have done in the first place. But in my defense, this is the first time in years of using StubHub that I had any real trouble. I just lost the crapshoot this time, all because one schmoe sold me a ticket and could not be bothered to send me an email.
One final, and relevant, tangent.
Digital tickets suck.
I would like to find the person or persons who created digital tickets and kick them in the shin until they beg for mercy. Examples!
-I have gone to concerts at a venue in South Dakota that does digital ticketing, and in the majority of cases there has to be a panicked phone call on the road to the venue, to please get the damn tickets to us.
-I attended a Chicago Cubs game that used digital ticketing. There was a long lane of ticket counters with folks in line at every window. And literally every person at the front of their line had to ask for help to get their digital tickets up and running. I’m not exagggerating. Every person at every window needed help.
-We got digital tickets for Paul McCartney and the rigamole required in pulling up digital tickets had me just shy of a nervous breakdown. (This was mostly because I had not just my tickets on my phone but also the tickets for my two best friends, Kroheim and Dangeresque.)
-Oh, and speaking of phones! God forbid your phone runs out. A paper ticket does not need to be charged!
-Also, digital tickets give you no permanent memory of the concert experience There’s the $65 t-shirts of course but I have a refrigerator slapped with all sorts of great concerts. But no more will be added.
In closing, I have two tickets to Mark Twain Tonight. I am certain that one of them will work. If you’re feeling dangerous you can come with me and hope StubHub doesn’t crap the bed. Do ya feel lucky? Well do ya, punk?